@Marlebean

*interrupts your heartfelt story*
Oh NOW I hear your New York accent!! Say “dying wish” again!

Ok now say “coffee”!

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@AimeeHelene1

I own a lot of cleaning supplies for someone whose friends inscribed “dust me” on my coffee table recently.

@sixfootcandy

Me: I’ll do anything to get healthy this year.
Doctor: Are you willing to cut down on sugar, bread, and alcohol?
Me: Let’s revisit this again next year.

@backupbear

For anyone interested, you’ll find my complete Windows 8.1 review below:

Still sucks.

@KrunkedRobot

Jokes on you hot chick at the bar who gave me a radio station’s phone number I just won Harlem Globetrotter tickets and a Bud Light poncho.

@JesseFernandez

Thank god attorneys let us know they’re attorneys “at law” so we don’t assume they’re attorneys at garlic bread or something.

@bigmacher

Candy canes are the perfect treat. They are minty & put you into the holiday spirit & can easily be fashioned into a shank.

@LurkAtHomeMom

Therapist: U need some tools to cope with ur anger
Me: Like a sledgehammer?
T: No. More like breathing-
M: Fire? Can u make me breathe fire?

@Mobute

A gritty reboot of basketball where we find out all the players’ moms were murdered by circles and that’s why they throw rocks at one.

@SexyInsomniac

I still use my laptop to tweet. Also, I ride my horse through the shire to get to the blacksmith.

@Darlainky

“We’ve got to stop meeting like this,” I say to the neighbor’s cute golden retriever after climbing the fence to pet him.