Interstellar (2014) – A widower utilizes mankind’s greatest technology to get as far away as possible from his kids.
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Accomplish whatever tasks you have today with the confidence of a kid who claims to have brushed their teeth
My son’s doing a report on the Cold War and asking what ended it. “I’ve got that answer right here,” I say. *starts Rocky IV dvd*
Is a rivalry between 2 vegetarians still called Beef?
Misery loves company. But not you. Even Misery has standards.
How to be a Beautiful Woman:
-fill cheeks with snacks like a hamster
-stop shaving. become furry (like a hamster)
-exercise on a wheel (see Hamster)
-drink plenty of water from your wall mounted bottle
-beady, hamster-like eyes
-bite my dad (like my hamster)
As 2021 closes, I am reminded of a saying.
Time flies like an arrow…
But fruit flies like a banana.
Maybe your parents told you a watched pot never boils so you wouldn’t go around sticking your face near boiling water, idiot.
I saw a sign that said falling rocks so I tried and it doesn’t
If someone stole my identity I would be like, “Haha now you have no money and you’re bad at basketball.”
Helvetica is my favorite font that sounds like a heavy metal band
But if two men get married, they’ll BOTH be stupid in detergent commercials and then no one will buy the correct detergent.
Me: you want to end the date night with some bubbly?
Wife: sure
*I pour vinegar and baking soda into the volcano*
Wife: this is so romantic
law suits: quality garments for lawyers
Shouting “Shotgun” will get you the front seat of a car or a heap of cash if you whisper it to a cashier.
[movie theater]
Her: *Hands me popcorn bag* Can you put this down?
Me: *grabs bag* You stupid, overpriced, salty piece of shit!
if my friends ever feel sad and they need to talk to somebody… they always know im right there… only 2-3 missed calls away
My 3-year-old dumped pudding in her pocket.
Novice dad reaction: “You ruined your pants.”
Veteran dad: “Thank God. I thought it was poop.”
Me: The face is a tortilla. The eyes are banana slices and the mouth is made of peanut butter. His name is Bertram. He’s my best friend.
[12 minutes later]
Me: I have eaten my best friend.
“I’m down for whatever,” I say, before falling asleep.
Gonna eat this baklava wearing a balaclava whilst playing a balalaika
me: [being beaten w/ nightstick] are u a virgo
cop: GET ON THE GROUND
me: that’s such a virgo thing to say
If you removed every blade from a 747’s engines and laid them end to end, you’d go to prison for rendering useless a $357 million aircraft.
A nationwide recall of the popular children’s cereal Trix was issued today
“Just dump them out in your garden” said one long-eared FDA agent
Girlfriend: Why can’t you ever take anything seriously?
Me: *Miss Piggy voice* Moi?!
When a cop pulls you over for a DUI at 2am on Friday night & tells you to walk the line-it’s never good to start singing Johnny Cash songs.
You say lobotomy like it’s a bad thing.
WIFE: When my sister goes on holidays, she likes to stay off the beaten track, often using lesser known roads to see the country.
ME: *barely audible* a detourist
WIFE: Get out.
(first day at law school)
Me: When do we learn about the law of gravity?
Prof: We don’t.
Me: This is BULLSHIT.
*flips table*
*table floats up to ceiling*
Ladies, how often do you exfoliate? I do weekly then a soothing serum and now that the boys aren’t reading anymore, are we still doing that thing where we say no holiday gifts, then act disappointed. lol I can’t stop laughing ok be cool be cool. And finish up with a night cream
if I order fries, they are for me
if he orders fries, they are for me
if the next table orders fries and they’re not looking, they are for me