[interview at the Pringles factory]
BOSS: why do you wanna work here?
TENNIS BALL: {don’t say to take back the tubes} uhh i love curvy chips
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What REALLY happens when you build Ikea furniture…
My kid turned me down for a goodnight hug and kiss but did offer me a nice handshake, so I’m glad we can sustain a professional relationship
All I’m saying is any office that buys thin toilet paper is not really saving money. All savings are lost when the hand soap runs out faster…
Ok I have a confession…. When I was 10 I use to get hungry during the church service and I would sneak to the kitchen and heat up the sausage biscuits they would have in the fridge for Sunday school. I didn’t know they kept inventory. They said 100 went missing in a month 🫠
If you use karate instead of a knife your wife won’t ask you to cut the vegetables anymore
I was halfway to the state line before I realized the sirens were part of the song that was playing…
my family doesn’t like that i’m in a permanent bad mood after they made it a priority group project to put me in a permanent bad mood
4-year-old: Tell me a scary story!
Me: One time little people popped out of your mom and they never stopped asking questions.
4: Why?
Us watching you attempt to outrun something you tried to pspspspspspsps after we specifically said not to
#AmazingFacts
Failure is not an option,it comes bundled with your Windows 10 software.
Everyone hates on the dentist but at least they don’t try to weigh you.
I’m no sadist. Some of my best friends are sad.
COP: I need to see some ID
ME: [hands him ID]
COP: this isn’t yours
ME: you said “some”
COP: lol wow good point you’re free to go
I only use shampoo that smells like raspberries so people don’t think it’s weird when I have jam in my hair.
I’ve trained my cat so that when I call his name he stares at me coldly for 6 seconds and then leaves the room for 2-5 hours.
You come home early and catch the cat eating with a knife and fork at the table. You stare at each other unsure of the next move.
“This cereal tastes nothing like Pebbles.”
~Bamm Bamm
fr
caveman: I’ve invented the wheel!
hamster: finally!!!
Me: My anxiety is out of control.
Dr.: Have you tried cutting back on coffee?
Me: Are you even a real doctor?
the twelve days of christmas is completely unrealistic there is no way that you’re still accepting gifts from someone after four days of birds
I’m really trying to care about this Queen dying but she didn’t even put out any good songs
You can literally say “the night is young” at any time of day or night. Nobody is policing this.
So that’s what we looked like?
I remember when I could put my shoes on standing up and had that one legged balancing act perfected. It was one Saturday back in 1994, but I remember it.
Me at 25: I would never date anyone who smokes.
Me now: I would never date anyone.
WELL OFFICER IF YOU DIDN’T WANT TO SEE ME MASTURBATING YOU SHOULDN’T HAVE PULLED ME OVER
“Pray, love, eat.” — A mantis
Me: getting the flu shot wasn’t so bad, was it?
5: it was really loud
Me: loud?
5: yes because I screamed the whole time!
[God creating puffer fish] take that hedgehog and throw it into the goddamn ocean