[Interview]
“Describe yourself in one word.”
Me: Lethargic.
You Might Also Like
YouTube suggestion: [Inspirational video] I wake up at 3 am
Me [at midnight]: no thank you! I don’t want that kind of negativity
I can either cut my toe nails, or majestically swoop down and grab a salmon from a river.
With trump being a potential candidate I feel like the Simpsons are sitting on their couch watching an episode of us
[6 months after breaking up]
Me: AND ANOTHER THING,
ME: careful there is a bee on that tree lim
WIFE: limb has a b at the end
ME: i literally just said that diane
Face ID doesn’t recognize me unless I’m chewing
FRIEND: I’m tired of being poor. I’m gonna turn to a life of crime
ME: Dude I’m so in. We should steal fine art, or jewelry, or-
THE HAMBURGLAR: Guys, hear me out
The safest place to hide junk food from your kids is inside a dirty clothes hamper right in their room.
ME: I’m always afraid the optometrist is actually showing me 2 identical lenses and then afterwards the whole office makes fun of me for thinking one was better or worse.
THERAPIST: Yeah I don’t know what to do with that.
things that baffle modern science
1. Stonehenge
2. The Pyramids
3. How my liver is still functioning…
Responding to a question from your wife with interpretive dance tends to raise more questions than it answers.
Never bring a knife to a gunfight. Bring one of those long grabber sticks so you can take the other guy’s gun away.
I lied and told someone, “I can’t go to your party I have diarrhea.” I actually do have diarrhea but historically that hasn’t stopped me
Find a way to dress up as “accidentally liking someone’s Facebook picture from 2 years ago” and really scare people this Halloween.
BREAKING NEWS:
Sting has been kidnapped.The Police have no lead.
Cop: We found a decapitated body in the bay. Looks like he was attacked by a shark.
Chief: Did you get his name?
Cop: Sharks don’t have names, Chief.
“I’m not a fan.”
-air conditioner
I can’t afford Ugg boots, so I just never shave below the knee to create the illusion that I’m wearing them.
Before I was married people told me about date night but they never mentioned it just meant folding laundry together
Today’s horoscope.
●Sagittarius: You’re about to have issues with an Aries.●Aries : Sagittarius think you suck.
I don’t mean to brag, but I’m pretty sure based on the amount of stuffed animal surgery I’ve done, I’m a doctor now.
Interviewer: tell me where you see yourself in 5 years
Me *makes note in diary* will do
this guy in South Dakota left his pickup sitting for four days. You know it’s the pandemic. In that time a family of Red Squirrels picked apples from a nearby tree and stored em in his engine and wheel compartment. There are another 1 1/2 to 2 buckets in the wheel wells!!
Oh sure, a 3yo can get candy for not pooping their pants, but when I demand wine for successful defecation, I get sent home by HR.
farmer: hay
horse: I have a boyfriend
I can cook, clean, do my own laundry and grogery shop. I think I only need a woman for one thing.
To let me know when I am wrong.
“Deb, every year I tell you I don’t want to do a holiday card, you tell me it will be fine, and then Junior does something obnoxious in the photo that you claim is ‘cute.’ And look, we’re right on schedule.”
My psychic friend asked me if I was available any afternoon this week
My reply: I don’t know,am I?
Honestly, silica gel must be absolutely delicious considering how much effort they put into convincing us not to eat it.