[interview for an accounting job]
Your resumé says your greatest strength is using idioms. How can that help in this job?“You do the math”
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The fact that there are space cowboys implies that there are space cows and that’s why I haven’t slept in 4 days.
My mom is pretty relaxed about earthquakes.
*drops cheese*
You: Five second rule!
Pet owners: lol
7yo: Who’s older: you or dad?
Me: Dad.
7: Then how come you look older?
Me: Santa’s not real.
ur macbook about to start asking if you want update now, tonight or when the 2nd wave hits
*tells the kids to stop skateboarding in the house*
**skateboards in the house after they go to sleep**
Led Zeppelin: And she’s buying a stairway to Heaven…when she gets-
My wife: HOLD ON I HAVE A COUPON
Hey whatcha eating?
“A pluot”
Wtf is a pluot?
“A cross between a plum & an apricot”
That’s really stupid.
*rides off on a liger*
Tomorrow…trade cell phones with your significant other for the day…see how many of you are single by the end of the day…
If every human in the world jumps off a mountain we’ll probably eventually evolve to fly.
Start letting police dip their finger in the drugs and have a taste like in the movies. Recruiting problems solved.
Watching cartoons with my son is awesome except for all the commercials & now his Christmas list has 26,724 things on it. Shit.
Inventor of balloons: You know what this party needs? Rubber balls filled with my breath
also my go-to takeaway order
INCORRECT PUNCTUATION STARTS FIGHTS:
Happy April Fools!!!
VS.
Happy April, Fools!!!
35+ crowd getting ready for the Teddy Riley vs Babyface battle
You know what they say,
so I won’t tell you.
Me: *skips a rock perfectly across a pond*
Fred Flintstone: OH NO MY CELL PHONE
I bought Oreos for my kid’s camp and I have to drive home with them next to me and not eat them. I may not have thought this through completely
Me: My heart is full.
Cardiologist: Yes, that’s the problem.
For $60, this printer ink had better be hand squeezed out of endangered squids.
Wife: [helping daughter with homework] the War of 1812 was between?
Daughter: I don’t know.
Me: [mouthful of skittles] 1811 and 1813.
Harry Potter: A Shortened Version
Voldemort: I must kill Harry Potter.
Everyone else: Lol, no.
Can a paleontologist explain to me why dimetrodons were so infatuated w/ yelling at the ocean?
Autocorrect got me in trouble again when I invited the neighbors over for a friendly game of Go Fist.
No, my carpet does not match the drapes. I simply refuse to shave my head.
Whenever I meet a new baby, I stand still and let it come up to me and smell my hand first before I try to pet it
I have two boyfriends!
Well, I’m dating two men
Okay. Ben and I are just friends
Same with Jerry
Fine. I have ice cream.
But it’s love.
MY SON, LINK: How did you name us, Dad? Did you name me after your favorite video game hero?
MY DAUGHTER, PATTI: And me after your favorite art rock singer?
MY OTHER SON, GROUND: And me after your favorite surface for standing on?
ME: *swallowing sausage* Well see—
No, Twitter trending topics, I don’t want to hear about double mutant ninja COVID.