(interview for construction job)
Foreman: Your resume is just pictures of LEGOs?
Me: (proudly) Didn’t even have to look at the instructions
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[looking up at night sky]
Girl: The Milky Way and Mars have always fascinated me.
Boy: *trying to impress* Yes, and I also enjoy Snickers.
me: I’m sorry, it’s over. I really thought we could make this work but we ran out of time together
veggies in my fridge:
If alcohol damages your short memory. Just imagine what alcohol can do.
Every photo I’m tagged in
A lady just told me that the theatrical release of “Cats!” is what caused the pandemic, and I want to argue, but I can’t.
Interviewer: “Describe a time when you broke the rules.”
Me [from my wheelchair]: “I was at a restaurant and the waiter asked me to wait to be seated.”
Dr: Your Mom is like regular moms except we lost her in surgery.
Me: Did you just use a joke format to tell me my mom died
Dr: yep
They say treat others how you would like to be treated.
Now I have to go out on a date with a guy and treat him like a princess.
My husband is turning 58 tomorrow. Join me wishing him “Jesus, you’re how old?”
Kill me once, shame on you. That’s pretty much it.
They didn’t ghost you. Their spouse found out.
For a good time go up to strangers and mistake them for unattractive celebrities.
I ate all of my Halloween candy. I sure hope these kids like Milkbones.
*having an ultrasound*
dr: baby is looking healt…hang on..
patient: omg what!?
dr: there appears to be an intruder in your womb.
patient: intruder?
dr: *yelling at stomach* TURN AROUND HE’S BEHIND YOU
nurse: umm i think she is having twins?
dr: *exhaling* oh thank god.
When Adele sets fire to the rain, she wins a Grammy.
When I set fire to the rain, I’m an “environmental terrorist”.
Fine.
Australia: geologist beaten up by “angriest octopus” on beach
* eats all the leftover pie I can’t fit in the fridge.
* starts “Practical Solutions” YouTube channel.
“Age ain’t nothing but a number.” Bro, age is a word.
[coming back into house from grocery store]
Me: thanks for coming with me!
7: I didn’t really have a choice.
Me: but it was nice, right?
5: we can’t stay home alone.
[restaurant]
me: may I clear your plates?
customer: thanks
me: *sits down to finish their fries*
Sometimes I get so wrapped up in my own problems that I forget there are people having real fights on the internet.
AC changed midlife crisis to kidlife crisis & now 5 is leaving me for a younger dad that drives a sports car
*takes off sunglasses*
Me: Okay, weigh me now.
Talking scales: *sigh* You weigh the same but look a lot less cool.
her: did you know makeup expires?
me: *spits mine out* what
the $25 stuffed animal gets me every time
Cats are not as loyal as dogs are. But at least they won’t tell the police where the bodies are….
[blind date]
HIM: so Paul says that you’re a real charmer *smiles*
ME:*whips out three snakes from my bag and a flute* you bet i am
Cop: say the alphabet backwards
Me: the alphabet backwards
Cop: okay, you’re under arrest
Me: but you said—
Cop: I didn’t say simon says
Me: oh shit
TREE: [sees christmas tree thru window] who dose he think he is. all dressed up. too good to be outside
ANOTHER TREE: be nice, he is dying
Don’t mess with me man, I will put glitter on everything you love.