[Interview for the cucumber marketing board]
Me: Can we talk about salary?
Boss: Not if you want to keep your job
You Might Also Like
Sometime in the night I think somebody replaced my skeleton with a different skeleton but I don’t know how to verify this.
The best way to watch the MTV Music Video Awards is to turn on the TV and turn the channel to MTV and then go outside and set your house on fire.
Math teacher; suppose you have five friends
Me:
WIFE: I’m leaving
ME: Well it’s no suprise, our relationship has slowly deteriorated and I’m not sure we even like each other any more
WIFE: I’m leaving to go to the shops
ME: Ooh get tacos
Me: Table for four, please. And can we get some crayons?
Her: Will there be children dining today?
Me: No. The crayons are for me.
Hell hath no fury like a woman being told she looks tired.
Him at 1am: Wanna come over?
Me: Sure thing, sexy
-Cut to me crawling out of his TV like that girl in The Ring
Empathic Friend: Oh honey, you’ve got a lot on your plate
Me: I got the buffet 🤭
No horror movie can surpass the sensation of touching your pockets and not feeling your cell phone.
he asked “what are we?” and I said toniggggght we are young
If your human doesn’t feed you immediately, run in front of their feet and trip them up.
~Cats, apparently.
crying
I’m scared some kid is going to break into my house and fleek me to death with a bae
If I was a sniper, I’d probably spend most of my time looking for cats and making them chase my rifle laser pointer from 2 miles away.
Me: *cutting fingernails*
Man next to me on bus: please stop cutting my nails
My wife wanted me to stain the deck today, so I spilled my coffee and stomped a bunch of blueberries.
That woman has no sense of humour.
Whoever made the almond-milk carton the exact same shape as the chicken-broth carton should have to eat this cereal.
hi, yeah, do u have a minute to talk about our lord and savior Godzilla
Just tested the structural integrity of a door frame with my face. It’s pretty solid.
Take them to a sporting event on your first date. You don’t want to waste time dating someone who claps like an idiot.
Got in a bar fight for calling celery ‘nature’s dental floss’
I had a friend who doesn’t care for sports sit & watch a basketball game & hes quiet for a bit & just barks out: “Yeah I dont think there are that many squeaks. They gotta be pumping em in”
That was over 10 yrs ago I havent watched a single game since without thinking of it
a herd of people is called a crowd but a crowd full of introverts is called Les Misérables
“We’re not buying another toy until Mommy gets laid!” might not be the most appropriate thing to yell in ToysRUs.
YOU (trying to insult me): I bet you’re fun at parties
ME (insulted but the wrong way): I am not! How dare you
[Traffic Stop]
Cop: Sir, please step out of the car
Me: But you said…
Cop: I said 3 minutes tops & you promised not to touch the siren.
People will read 50 Amazon reviews before buying a pair of headphones but won’t think twice about taking drugs they bought from someone they only know as “the guy.”
Ma’am…we’re going to have to ask you to get off of the table.
Ma’am…
(me, trying to cuddle with my bacon cheese fries)
Waiter: how were your steak and eggs
Me: just okay
Waiter: oh no
Me: you could say they were
Waiter: please no
Me: *sips mimosa* meaty yoker
My daughter telling me not to worry because she got her own allowance from my purse did not have the effect she intended