interview: problem solving skills?
me: i once fit 9 people into a 1986 Toyota Corolla
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My son has been awake for 15 minutes which means he’s been telling me all about his favorite video game for 15 minutes.
Did the poop challenge on my daughter , 😭🥺🥰 (used peanut butter) but this was her reaction 😂
Gosh I love her sooo much ‼️
netflix be hiring writers who have literally never had a normal conversation with anyone ever
After 30 minutes of looking, my husband finally found the car keys. They were in the last place he would think to look: in the pocket. Of the jacket. He was wearing.
7yo: Daddy, I love you too!
Me: Aw, I love you too!
7yo: No, I said “I love YouTube”
Honey is one of my favorite kinds of animal vomits to eat.
Hannibal Lecter: I don’t taste the girl scout in this cookie.
god: you’re a pig
pig: huh
god: you’re filthy
pig: yeesh
god: you eat slop from a trough
pig: c’mon
god: you stink
pig: ok ok, guy, i get it.. but this should save me from being food myself tho, no?
god: here’s the thing
Amazon probably spends millions on search engine optimization and ad software yet somehow hasn’t figured out that after buying a vacuum cleaner I’m not immediately going to need another
Every once in a while I’ll be driving while not eating and think, “Wow, this is way easier.”
Me: Today I will be patient, kind, and tolerant of things that I can’t control
Also me: Screams at toothpaste for not coming out of the tube faster
TO MY SECRET ADMIRER: thank u for the flowers!! You accidentally had them sent next door & the card says ‘Penelope’ but it’s ok I love them😍
i’m crying live action simba really did not gaf
“Did you ever try my hot salty water?” – Inventor of soup
I would marry Christopher Walken just so I could listen to him talk and regret it three months in.
If it makes any grown women out there feel better, I measured the pockets in my 5 yo’s pants and he can’t fit a phone or wallet in his, either
BOSS: We need to improve morale
ME: Okay
BOSS: How about an office party?
ME: [crosses out “replace coworkers with puppies”] I guess
Having a pool is so neat. All of your friends are suddenly interested to catch up on the hottest days of the year.
i used to enjoy weather like “sunny” or rainy” or cloudy” i’m glad that 2023 is showing us that it can innovate and give us weather like “smoke”
Dishonest mechanic?
Baa!
“My name is–”
Moo!
“My name is–”
Neigh!
“My name is *chickenchicken* Slim Shady.”-Eminem at a farm.
Apparently hitting a butterfly with my car is “not a valid reason to call 911” and I “need to grow up”
As you age, it’s ridiculous how fast bird-watching creeps up on you. You spend your whole life being 100% indifferent to birds, and then one day you’re like “damn is that a yellow-rumped warbler”
[god, creating chickens]
Put a red beard on a fat hiccuping sparrow. Give him a matching hat, I don’t care
[first date]
HER: I totally love Nirvana
ME: Oh yeah? Name one of their albums
HER: Nevermind
ME Okay, forget about it then
Welcome to your 40’s: that kid acting like your doctor, is your doctor.
🎶 Hummus a tune you’re the falafel man 🎶
Don’t open your heart to me. I’ll just put peanut butter in there.
Officer- I’m giving you a ticket for your speed
Me- That’s heroin
Officer-…
Me- Want some?
Officer-…
Me- Oooh, shiny handcuffs
What the fire inspector sees when he opens my office closet.