Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

CASHIER: have a nice day
ME: how

Autocorrect changed “I’ll make better tweets” to “I’ll bake better tweets” so now I suspect my tweets are also cake.

Every DJ knows the best response to a request is “yeah sure” then not play the song.

I’m so incapable of accepting a compliment that I’ve started just flat out refusing them.

Them: You look lovely today.
Me: No thank you.

Hubs: You didn’t do anything today did you?
Me: I did the dishes.
Hubs: There was only one.
Me: Fine I did THE dish. Happy?

*Takes off FitBit*

Ok, weigh me now

Sadly, the days of people using proper English are went.

My sister borrowed my favorite shirt without asking again, so I changed her Facebook profile picture to a positive Clearblue pregnancy test.

I’ve had my phone battery die at a family function. Nothing scares me now.

you’d think eating your young was more filling.

My kid actually changed her sheets today but only because the old ones desperately crawled to the laundry room on their own.

If you speak like Fat Albert throughout the entire exam, doctors will prescribe whatever you want.

*kissing on small couch*
Her: We should have a threes-
Me: I’ll call Karen
Her: …three-seater. Karen?
Me: I believe Karen sells furniture

I like my pizza like i like my square root of 64.

Ate.

My ex husband went to buy a lotto ticket & never came back, I guess he won, haven’t see him in over 20 years

I lost my voice so basically I’m every mans dream girl right now.

PROFESSOR: Please don’t speak without raising your h-

ME: [raises hand]

PROFESSOR: [wheeling cadaver table away from me] I meant your own hand

I didn’t have time to have my coffee before drop off this morning. Anyway. Hopefully I brought them to the right school.

Me: [doing crossword] a body of water; three letters.

Wife: bay.

Me: flying insect w/ stinger; three letters.

Wife: bee.

Me: to hush someone; four letters.

Wife: shhh.

Me: boat Noah built; three letters.

Wife: ark.

Me: DOO DOO DOO DOO DOO DOO.

Anime-only: Man, I can’t wait to see more of my fav character!

Manga-reader: Oh man, THAT character, oh buddy oh pal oh buddy. I ain’t gonna say WHAT happens to them, but uh, hehehe, prepare to CRY. I MUST REITERATE, I ain’t spoiling anything, BUT, that character? Hooo boy

Confuse your doctor by putting on rubber gloves at the same time he does.

Dance like no one’s a werewolf. Eat like you found it in the couch. Shout like your cat’s sleeping. Feel good like a bossy poem told you to.

CAUTION:
Even if your wife uses dual a sim phone, save both the number under one name “WIFE”.

Never save it as “Wife 1” & “Wife 2”.

I remember when I used to play hard to get.. now I’m like hi i love you, ring size 4.5, my uterus is healthy, please marry me.

coworker is telling us that being a libertarian is based on facts and I’m rubbing dirt between my hands like the beginning of gladiator

Please send yard fairy. Or a genie. Or your firstborn. Anyone that will cut grass will do

Do you like them? I made them from scratch. Do you want one? – me introducing my kids to strangers.

Me: Your shoes are on the wrong feet baby girl
2: *starts crying* These are my only feet!

Marriage, Year one: I love watching you shave. You’re so cute!

Marriage, year ten: You leave whiskers in that sink one more time and I’ll drown you in it

Just your annual reminder about this seagull that turned orange after it fell into a container of chicken tikka masala while trying to get a piece of meat from a factory bin. #SpiceGull