Interview Tip #3
speak with confidence but don’t oversell yourself
[later]
Interviewer: what makes you think you’d be good for this role?
Me: *confidently* nothing
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FRIEND: Hey, how are you doing?
ME (who goes to a lot of concerts): Wooooo.
Some fancy kids just egged my house with quail eggs. I went out to yell, and one of them garnished me with chives.
I have a firm understanding of basic math.
Example: I have two cupcakes and I’m going to eat them both.
Dog: *sneezes*
Me: “God bless you.”
Dog: “I thought you were an atheist.”
Me: “Since when can you talk?”
Dog: …
Me: …
Dog: “Thank you.”
Me: “That’s better.”
Squeak, squeak, squeak!
Mitt Romney dissing Trump is like when an anime villain from the previous arc teams up to help stop the new billion times more evil villain
The past two Fridays after school I have seen the same group of teens walking home with a store cake and I would like to know how I get in on this Friday cake club.
There’s Angie, and then there’s Drunk Angie, and one of us tried to make it to Mexico on an exercise bike.
You’re not alone. You have an ecosystem of microorganisms on your skin.
When your boss says “You need help”, he never means a hitman.
*stands on scale at doctor’s office*
*takes off coat*
*empties pockets*
*shaves eyebrows*
[Starbucks]
ME: [bursts in] THERE’S A GUNMAN AT LARGEBARISTA: [shrugs]
ME: [sigh] THERE’S A GUNMAN AT VENTI
B: *grande screaming noises*
me: thanks for letting me work from home
boss: *turns off shower* I meant your home
Glad I’m not a general, because auto-correct just changed “lunch order” to “launch order.”
I made a new rule at dinner tonight.
Every time my kids complained about my cooking, I gave them an extra helping.
It was the quietest meal we’ve had in months.
Treat your guests like family, so they don’t stay too long.
Shoot for the moon. Even if you miss, you’ve got 5 more rounds in the chamber. You’ll get that moon eventually. He’ll pay for what he did.
My wife would bring a hoodie to the Sun “just in case.”
*sees 2% milk in your fridge* wow how’d you get such a low interest rate on your milk?
Cop: We’re going to charge you with battery
Terminator: Oh you’re a life saver, I’m on 3%
Why isn’t there an egg flavored Gatorade you cowards?
Not all heroes wear capes…
[we both wake up in a panic]
her: i dreamed you died
me: I DREAMED YOU LEFT ME ALONE AT THE GROCERY CHECKOUT LINE TO GRAB ANOTHER ITEM
Next time someone says “I’m a hugger” and tries to hug me I’m gonna say “I’m a puncher” and see how it goes.
The next time I lose my car I’m just going to let it find its own way home.
When I say something occurred under mysterious circumstances it means I forgot the circumstances.
I need a plethora of Piñatas in my office. What better way to relieve stress than violently assaulting something until it bleeds candy
My favorite bra broke and now I feel like there’s no one left to support me.
I called a driver in the school drop off line a moron and 7 very solemnly said… Santa heard that.
God *up on a chair, shrieking*: GET IT GET IT GET IT
Mrs God: You know they’re more afraid of you than you are of them *gently sweeps man outside*