Interview Tip: When you get the “where do you see yourself in 5 years” question, don’t say “post-apocalyptic tribal warlord”.
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My sister texted and asked if she and her kids could come over,
and now I’m frantically looking for a new place to live.
Maybe just avoid festivals named Fyre or Burning or anything fire related
i am in another room with the door open and she has food and water, and yet, my cat is out in the hallway meowing like she’s wandering through a post-apocalyptic wasteland and is the sole survivor
[an octopus seeing a snake for the first time]
OMG a foot!
ME: I don’t know about your cat but mine is an absolute angel
MY CAT: *releases one of the hostages*
Doc: Let’s check your reflexes.
Me: I have the reflexes of a cat.
Doc: *hits my knee with a hammer*
Me: MEOW! *scratches Doc’s eyes out*
Sometimes my views are right wing, sometimes left, it just depends where I’m sat on the airplane.
Is Miley Cyrus pregnant? Will The government stay shut down? Will the GTA online servers work? Find out on the next episode of Dragon Ball Z
At this stage, someone might be grateful if you TPed their house.
I was just casually stalking an ex-girlfriend on IG & accidentally liked a picture. please respect my privacy in this difficult time.
Been married so long it’s almost like a first date. Husband is always wondering if he’s even gonna make it to 1st base.
If you love Batman, let him go, because Batman Returns.
In movies guys are always like “ohh this girl’s so adorably clumsy. You can’t help falling in love with her” but in real life guys are always like “go home, Diane. You’re drunk.”
Me: Well, today sucked.
Him: It’s 9 AM.
10 wants everyone to know i’m a horrible parent who never lets him have a friend spend the night tonight. even though he and his friend have spent the night at each others houses back and forth since Monday. kbye
DOCTOR: If your wife doesn’t deliver the baby in one hour, we’ll do a c-section
ME: *setting timer* ᴱˢᶜᵃᵖᵉ ʷᵒᵐᵇ
Whoever called these chip bags ‘fun size’ really needs to reassess their social life.
I am rebranding my disorganized and cluttered house as a ‘masterclass of maximalism’
Her: I thought you said you were ordering spicy food.
Me, choking on 14 churros: CINNAMON’S A SPICE
I got a shopping cart today with 4 working wheels, it was full of lingerie models and self confidence and I was dreaming
[in class]
Hermione: For once I want the teacher to get my name right!
Gar4y With a Silent 4: Totally know what ya mean
My son has stolen my iPad to play minecraft. Please retweet this so the notifications disrupt his playing.
what I look like when I sleep with my mouth open
“Ok, guys, before you start calling me a pervert, let me just say I found a great source of protein.” — The first guy who ever milked a cow.
I thought I’d buy all my scratch off lottery tickets at the busiest gas station in town. What? Oh no I don’t know which ones I’ll pick them out when i get to the register
Anyone who can get the straw in the Capri Sun on the first try can make your death look like an accident.
Ordered new coats for my kids and for convenience I had them shipped directly to their school’s lost and found section
Good night cop: Want the light on or off? Sweet dreams kiddo.
Bad night cop: You will go to sleep or I will put you to sleep.
I put my shoes on like everyone else. I beckon for my footman, Chauncey, and he does it straightaway. Your guy probably has a different name
Work meetings would be a lot more fun if they took place in a giant McDonalds ball pit