@little_hansel What idiot called it Oktoberfest instead of Octo-Bar?
@pointsymmetric Interview Tip: When you get the “where do you see yourself in 5 years” question, don’t say “post-apocalyptic tribal warlord”.
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@little_hansel 
@bewgtweets Does grape jelly go bad or do I just have wine jelly now?
@aka_fatman *writing résumé*
Strengths? I’m great at multitasking
*explosion in kitchen*
My popcorn!
*car crashes through fence*
I forgot I was driving!
@JohnLyonTweets Him: The last couple of years have been tough.
Me: Tell me about it!
Him: Well, two years ago I…
Me: Don’t really, though.
@JayTorch1031 I’m not saying my son’s basketball team is really bad. I’m typing it.
@causticbob Old Macdonald had a really bad scrabble hand……
E – I – E – I – O…..
@ericsshadow Cop: license and registration.
Me: I don’t carry my drivers license so I don’t lose it.
Cop: where is it?
Me: I have absolutely no idea.
@druuuck The scene where Indiana Jones swaps the bags and runs from a boulder but it’s me trying to eat a cookie without my kid seeing me
@RickAaron A guy in California is marrying his cat making me realize there was a much cheaper way to be ignored and occasionally scratched.
@WolfGangOfFour Willie Wonka: Lickable wallpaper!
Oompa Loompa #24: We’ve done that.
Willie Wonka: But this time they’re laced with antidepressants!
Veruca Salt: The snozzberries taste like… like… *sniff* like I can forgive my mother…