[interview to be a valet]
me: hi nice to meet you i’m parker
interviewer: you’re hired
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The cops say I have to stop trying to fist fight the guy who tries to feed my house letters everyday.
In my daydreams I’m majestic, like a hippo ballerina, but in reality, I’m a rhinoceros breakdancer.
wordle is a big pharma conspiracy to sell us more ibuprofen
Sweep her off her feet, but not like the bad guy from Karate Kid.
6 wakes me at 6:30am: wanna play a game?
Me: go hide! 1, 2, 3…
6: you’ll never find me!
Me: *goes back to sleep*
I’m at that age where all of my sentences start like this one.
I went into a bookshop earlier carrying a book. I seem to have put my book down to browse other books and left with no books. Have called the bookshop but they’re struggling to find my lost book amongst all the books. This is the stupidest thing I have ever done
Kylo Ren: What was Vader like?
Leia: He blew up my planet & killed everyone I loved.
Kylo:
Leia:
Kylo: What was his stance on sideburns?
Girl, are you a glass of water because I think you’re about to throw yourself at me.
If you don’t like the heart I shaved into my chest hair for you…well, then I should probably keep my underwear on.
Ladies, it’s 2019. Don’t wait for a guy to call you. Be proactive. Text him. Find your mutuals on FB to message. Kidnap his entire family and don’t release them until he goes on a second date.
Asking a woman to choose her favourite Disney movie is like asking her to choose her favourite child. My mum always choose Aristocats and my middle sister.
If a sister is a nun then a brother is a bun this makes zero sense aaand send
The reason Latin is a dead language is because they kept accidentally summoning demons during regular conversations
person walking past me: (politely) good morning
me: (automatically) sorry I’m going through a tunnel
I accidentally answered the phone with my last name and got promoted to homicide detective
Mice were invented in 1867 to help control the cheese population.
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[at mechanic]
me: *kicking wheel* this baby needs a realignment
mechanic: we don’t do shopping carts
My neighbor Ron is mad at me just because my book ‘The Many Lawn Care Mistakes of My Neighbor Ron’ is a hit with both critics and readers.
My computer crashed and now all the other computers have slowed down so they can see what’s happening.
I would never get a minivan because I can’t even think of 7 people I’d want to be stuck in a vehicle with.
Wearing the same outfit two days in a row ’cause I’m practicing to be a cartoon
I wish my car had spikes on the wheels like the chariot in Ben-Hur. I’d only use them against people who really deserved it, like drunk drivers or people who don’t do the thank you wave when you let them merge.
Damn boy, are you wearing an anti-gravity suit?
‘Cause I’m not the least bit attracted to you.
Me: Bed time
Hotel room: Good luck turning the lights off
Me: Easy. This one
Hotel: No. Bed light
Me: This one?
Hotel: Desk light
Me: This one?
Hotel: LOL You just turned on the curtain lights
Me: WTF? And that light in the wardrobe?
Hotel: 2400lux stadium lighting
Alarm: wake up
mad respect to the toddler that stuck their head under the gas station bathroom stall today to say hey
[answers phone in crowded elevator] give me some good news…HOW contagious?
“Someone offered me grapes, but I declined . I’m not used to consuming wine in pill form.” — University of Chicago