[interview to be an undercover agent]
Chief: Janine, can you send in the next applicant
Janine: yes sir; next!
[the large potted plant in the corner of the room stands up]
Chief: Janine, can you send home the remaining applicants
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I bought a treadmill because I ran out of closet space for my clothes.
How many boxes of Girl Scout cookies are in a serving?
I feel like I should give my air conditioner a plaque for employee of the month.
Get your kindergartener a watch so you know what time it is every minute you are together for at least a week please tell me it’s not longer than a week
Child: Mom! You can’t go that way, it’s a one way street!
Me: Oh sweetie, that’s just a suggestion.
do singers know a song will be big beforehand? like that snow white hi-ho song, no way those lil’ dudes knew, they were just mining and shit
I’m just a girl, sitting on a plane, watching each person come closer to the empty seat beside me and thinking “please don’t sit here”.
The most stressful part of my day is when my 5 year old shows me what he made in Arts & Crafts and I have to guess what it is.
Let’s ride.
So, about a year ago I got the overwhelming feeling of being kicked in the kidneys that comes with the realization that you wanna marry another human. Tested for UTI, and it was negative, so I knew it was real.
person walking by my house:
my dog: I’ve killed people for less
I don’t feel like a zombie…better eat someone to make sure.
[last day as the circus’s human cannonball] you can’t fire me I quit
The first person you think of when you wake up is the one. So anyways, my soulmate is 5 more minutes of sleep.
[alternate universe]
cows on a road-trip: look a car!
My wife had a tick on her. It wasn’t attached though. The whole thing was very zen
INTERVIEWER: what’s a skill you want to improve?
ME: to realize when someone isn’t talking to me
JOE: uh…Excel
Meow
If you didn’t need at least five napkins and your sleeve, that burger wasn’t greasy enough.
“OnlyPams”: a place for hot pics of women who dump their fiancé’s for quirky co-workers.
Hello, my name is Pierre.
Me: My dog has gone missing
Dog pound: What colour is it?
Me: Brown
Dog pound: Sex?
Me [turns to wife]: Has the dog lost his virginity?
John Travolta is the only person in history to have ever had chills that were capable of doing math.
ME: Is that a B or an 8?
HUSBAND: It’s a D. When are you going to get reading glasses?
ME: My eyes are fine. The print is too small.
KID: It’s an O. You’re both blind.
You Can Either Verify Whether This Inspirational Story Is True Or Share It Now And Reap The Precious Social Capital
If Sesame Street really cared about children they’d realize Big Bird could feed a hungry family for a month.
[Swims out to Sea]
*sees shark*
OH NO!
*dolphins save me*
Thanks dolphins!
*dolphins ask for a tip
[I’m broke]
*they return me to the shark*
Who needs expensive lip plumpers when your toddler can hit you in the face with a toy train for free?
I’ve watched hardened criminals stare each other down on the prison yard but nothing comes close to two four year old girls walking past each other on Halloween sizing up each other’s costumes
[driving test]
me: did I pass?driving instructor, on Zoom: I literally have no idea, this isn’t legal