[interview]
BOSS: How many words can you type a minute?
ME: Probably all of them
BOSS: What do you mean?
ME: Well, like for example, pickle
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My kids are fighting about who the cat likes more. We don’t even have a cat
Govt: How many dependents do you have?
Me: 7
Dependents: [dogs in baby clothes]
I don’t dress for women. I don’t dress for men. I dress for the weather, mainly.
You: 2020 couldn’t get worse
Murder Hornet: Hold my venom
Me: But Halloween is the one day a year you get to be anybody you want
Jury at my Identify Theft Trial: [impressed whispering]
Today in my local Canadian newspaper there was a strongly worded editorial about littering.
mechanic: it looks like something was repeatedly shoved in and out of the tailpipe?
optimus prime: haha, I wouldn’t—I don’t know anything about that
favorite childhood memories?
~not paying bills.
Nothing takes longer than the Amazon truck, that is 4 stops away
Why do they only put expiration DATES on food? It’d be fun as hell if they gave us the exact time too. “We got 8 minutes to eat this ham!!!”
New Facebook technology can identify faces with 97.25% accuracy, and then ask you if you want to tag that statue in the background.
Insomnia is just your brain’s way of telling you it’s secretly a squirrel with ADHD.
Them: awwww just let those dishes go, mama! They’ll get done eventually! Spend every second with your babies, it’s so fleeting 🥰
Me, industriously taking notes: Sounds great. What time should I expect the Dish Fairy to arrive
Applied for a “meditation class” but missed out the first T on the enrolment form, so now I’m studying to be a marriage guidance counsellor.
Typos are dangerous, you guys.
Around a third (42%) of parenting is pretending you understand your child’s homework
Sure you look forward to the day your kids are independent adults and living on their own, but it’s a double edged sword because then it becomes even harder to avoid talking to your husband.
I never took a drama class but everyone at this birthday believes that I love this gluten free cake.
Grandma: do you have to take a little poopy hon?
3yo: no grandma I have to take a big shit.
Our lord and savoury.
Please do not look at me when I am sitting at the front of the top level of a double decker bus. I am pretending to drive the bus and it is a very important job.
My favorite part of meal prepping all of my lunches for the week on Sunday is that then I have an easy way to eat all five of those lunches before noon on Monday.
At my age, if the wife wants to have fun, scrabble is coming out.
Ikea said if they catch me stealing any more kitchen utensils I’ll be banned for life. But I’m willing to take the whisk.
why are you as a non alcoholic cocktail priced in the double digits
I’d be that girl in the movies that can’t successfully hide from the killer because my stomach growls.
Me: ok what did you do
Cat: U THINK CAT AM ONLY BEING NICE 2 COVER UP CRIME??
Me: well there’s precedent
Cat: AM INSULTED
Cat: AM DISGUSTED
Cat: AM MOST AND GOOD INNOCENT CAT
Me:
Cat:
Me:
Cat:
Me:
Cat: FINE CAT AM PEE IN LAUNDRY BASKET
Me: So you were stuck in Limbo? What was that like?
Spirit: Not too bad, really. It was better than that time I got stuck in a conga line.
Imagine if dogs giggled when you tickled them.
When I say that I’m on low battery and can’t talk, rest assured I’m never talking about my phone.
In The Little Mermaid, the real reason Ariel wanted human legs was because Eric told her he doesn’t eat sushi.