[interview]
BOSS: So I see you majored in communication?
ME: No…miscommunication
BOSS: Your resume clearly says communication
ME: See?
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*getting kidnapped in the grocery store parking lot*
PLEASE JUST LET ME PUT MY CART BACK FIRST
[trapped inside a volcano]
Me:
Toddler:
Me:
Toddler: Be Careful…
Me: *sigh*
Toddler: The floor is lava…
I’m going to stop doing any exercise that stimulates my muscles so I can finally be atrophy wife.
I’ve hired a circus clown for my funeral.
Not for any of that celebrate my life bullshit, just to sit silently at the back to freak my family out.
My Grandpa: killed 17 Nazis and singlehandedly saved his entire battalion in WWII
Me: Sits around all day making up stories about my Grandpa
Putting my cat at the top of my Christmas tree this year because 1) she’s already an angel and 2) she’s going to climb up there anyway
♫When the moon hits your eye♫
You’ll be killed.
It’s massive.
If you ever come across a bear in the wild, throw a tiny bicycle at him.
Then, just let his circus instincts take care of the rest.
Person: you only live once
Me: that is the best news I’ve heard all day
My hair is 100% organic, but it has been tested on animals. Portions may have been used to drape over cats’ heads to make little wigs.
Facilitator: Any questions about the sexual harrassment course before we start?
*raises hand*
Me: Is “harass” one word or two?
F:
Me: Thx
twitter: you don’t owe ANYONE an explanation. ghost him. it’s called SELF CARE
twitter the next day: ghosting is literally physical abuse. DO NOT under any circumstances ghost ANYONE because they will likely decide to take their own life and you will be held solely responsible.
LOL at vegetarians coming to my house for a BBQ! Feel free to eat my lawn.
L-O-L!
CUSTOMER: why has your colleague got a larger plastic face covering than you?
SHOP ASSISTANT: that’s the supervisor.
there are these baby robins in a nest outside my window and all they do is chirp for attention and food all day so it seems nature is just like twitter
“work hard so your future self can live a good life”
pfft, what has he ever done for me?
*Buys sugar-free cereal.
**Puts sugar on it.
*taps on your head*
“Is this think on?”
My mom registered to see me speak at an academic conference at Yale, and under “affiliation” on the form she wrote “Sarah’s mom” 😂
My staunch refusal to procreate has deprived some very competent therapist of a vacation home.
Um, so you’re god’s gift to women? So was Jesus…look what happened to him.
You may want to rethink that.
My fridge constantly looks like I’m stockpiling for a massive cheese shortage.
You should never go grocery shopping when you’re hungry and never go clothes shopping when you’re naked.
Not my mom telling me she still talk to my ex because I still talk to her ex… Mam that’s my DAD
My kids in public are direct payback for every time I shriek’d
PLEASE DON’T HIT ME AGAIN at my mom in the middle of a crowded mall as a kid.
Tie a sweater around your waist so you can pretend a short ghost is hugging you.
“sir can you describe the stingray that attacked you?”
yes it was like a weird pancake
Stop pissing me off or I’ll marry you
me[holding wife’s shirt] Can this go in the dryer?
wife:What does it say on the tag?
me:Gap
wife:The other tag
me:Oh
wife
me:Made in Vietnam
Not to brag but both my kids are from the same dad