Interview
Boss: What could you bring to this company?
Me: Well I guess I could bring my stereo, but I get to choose what we listen to.
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her: I’m leaving you
me: because I like scooby doo?
her: you’re obsessed
me: *pulling her hair trying to take off her mask* you won’t get away with this
The answer to the question, “do these jeans still fit” depends on whether or not I actually have to sit down at any point.
If you love Christmas music chances are you never worked retail during Christmas.
I get you, anti-evolution people. I’m too lazy to learn science too.
This coworker is in a really good mood this morning, so I hacked his Facebook account and wrote “sexy” on all of his wife’s friends’ pics.
Empathic Friend: Oh honey, you’ve got a lot on your plate
Me: I got the buffet 🤭
[Jesus Feeding of the 4,999)
ME: *gets back in line wearing fake mustache*
[cats plan a heist]
Ok…Max, u cut the alarm. Felix, u open the safe. Um…any ideas for a getaway car?
*Mittens drifts by on a roomba*
Perfect
Me as a kid: when I’m an adult I’m gonna stay up all night and eat whatever I want
Me as an adult: If I don’t finish this glass of water and get to bed by 9 I will die
My doctor thinks I’m hot. He said “fever” but I’ll take it.
*spits out mouthful of peacock feathers* I’m sorry, I thought these were for just anyone to eat. *gets escorted from zoo*
Anyone who says “Let’s all put our phones down and talk with each other,” is just running out of battery and needs a charge.
A friend of mine just said, Am I the only one who gives my dog a massage?
Well, I replied, I can honestly say I’ve never given your dog a massage.
My cat is bilingual. He ignores me in both English and Spanish.
One of my sons says he likes my new haircut, and the other will have to twirl a sign outside a Mattress Firm to pay for college, I guess.
Officer, this ticket says 1:59 am, but thanks to daylight savings, it’s now 1:00. So slow down, TimeCop, I haven’t committed the crime yet.
My kitchen after I cut an everything bagel in half
Watching Jeopardy backwards would be about a panel of 3 people asking Alex Trebek questions that he always gets right.
GF: I think he’s gonna propose to me
Her Friend: How do u know
GF: I found a receipt from Kay jewelers for 7 thousand dollars
[I walk into the room with my hands behind my back]
ME: Hey babe have you ever seen a turtle with a gold shell
2024 is starting to feel like it needs to be left outside until we see if it can act right.
[guy who’s about to invent politics]
*getting along with everyone* this just won’t do
Congrats on your beautiful newborn, one day you will look under her bed and know why you have ants.
7-ELEVEN CUSTOMER: Ew! This slurpee machine is full of weird dirt!
MANAGER: Weird dirt? But that means…
*cut to Dracula flailing around in a coffin filled with blue berry blast*
If I wake and then I bake, I pray The Lord for chocolate cake. Amen.
God: you’re a llama.
Llama: I look ridiculous.
God: why do you say that?
Llama: I look like a giraffe made love to a sheep.
God: that’s not true.
Llama: i’m a giraffe sheep : (
God: [under breath] more like a drama llama.
I once watched a mime choke to death on a street corner and everyone applauded. For a couple of reasons.
me to my student: go get your mom
my student, not moving: MMMMMAAAAAMMMMAAAAAAA!!!
got my gf a manicure for our anniversary