[interview]
Boss: Your CV says eggs, milk, bread
Me: That’s right
[cut to supermarket]
Wife: Excuse me, where are the attention to details?
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I like older men because their sense of humour was shaped before Family Guy was popular
Man: I’d like to buy a fur coat please
Clerk: Sorry sir, this is a pet store
Man: I’d like to buy 200 gerbils please
[duck is quacking] damn dude that duck is in SERIOUS disrepair [sprays wd-40 into duck mouth] [duck starts chirping like nightingale]
My wife sent me an image of herself which really enticed me into coming home from work early.
It was a picture of her at the airport.
Interview
Boss: What could you bring to this company?
Me: Well I guess I could bring my stereo, but I get to choose what we listen to.
sweetie, she doesn’t mean anything to me. please look at me
My buddies and I used to play bank account chicken where you wire them the full contents of your account and say “bet you won’t send it back” but our wives made us stop
It’s been 8 months since I joined the gym and no progress. Tomorrow the first thing I’m going there in person to check what’s really going on.
lmfao come on
One time dad asked what my five-year plan was, and I said “death or becoming a pirate king” and he threw my cat Alan at me
I hurt my back making tater tots. The directions said bake 16 minutes and flip halfway.
Any minute now the cactuses are just going to start walking around and we’re all going to be like how did we not see this coming
Interpretive dance is the best way to answer stupid questions.
CREATION OF THE WORLD DAY 1
ANGEL: I’m looking forward to watching this project evolve.
*awkward silence
GOD: We NEVER use that word here
*changes entire paper to past tense to try to increase the page count*
Her: “I want you to have this bracelet that belonged to my grandfather.”
Me: “Why does it say ‘Do Not Resuscitate’ on it?”
A woman at work told me I look younger with my glasses off. I told her she looked younger with my glasses off, too.
I don’t have a gf, but I do know a woman who in the car often asks where this is going so I show her the GPS & she gets mad for some reason.
Wish I could cry like movie people with one graceful tear tracking down my face instead of looking like a tomato that fell on the floor.
You’re doing a 30 day cleanse? How dirty are you?
Me, a kid: wonders how they get jelly into jelly donuts
Me, an adult: wonders why they don’t put vodka into jelly donuts
-I’ve got a phobia of coincidences.
-Me too!
*faints*
*faints*
dont put all your eggs in one basket, put them in the little egg tray in the fridge thats what its for you idiot
[Super soldier program]
SCIENTIST: We’ve given you an enhanced cybernetic arm.
ME: So I can take pies out of the oven without mitts.
SCIENTIST: More—more for killing people.
ME:
SCIENTIST:
ME:
SCIENTIST:
ME: But I can also—
SCIENTIST: Yes you can also use it for the pie thing.
I got new glasses with a new prescription, and I honestly feel that I can see too much right now. It’s too much sight.
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You can’t tell me there’s anything better than ear plugs, I simply will not hear it
Message from the dog groomers
son: how did I get my name
me: *holds up baby name book*
son: ugh terrible
me: shut up ISBN 978-1910336526
*writes ‘amount to something’ on bucket list*
*crosses it out*
*writes ‘mount something’*Yeah. That’s do-able.