Interviewed a Canadian.
She has a Canadian accent & boobs.
She’s HIGHLY unqualified for the job.
She’s CANADIAN…& BOOBS. I hired her.
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Tell her she looks tired. Chicks love being told they look tired.
i feel like if the avengers were real we’d really really hate them
12yo son forgot his electric toothbrush — so now he has to MOVE HIS ARM to brush his teeth.
His protest was legendary.
My insurance agent just told me that I’m “high risk” to insure on account of me getting stuck in dryers on a regular basis
HER: You look so nervous.
ME: *nervously* HA. I’m never nervous.
HER: You’re sweating.
ME: *just freaking out* That’s bravery moisture.
The “quarantine 15” refers to the 15 pounds people have gained since the quarantine started.
I’m well into my third quarantine then.
Be careful on the roads out there guys. Someone t-boned my car and I can’t tell you how scary it was.
I bought some milk over the weekend and also picked a new JavaScript framework to use.
At least one of these will be out of date before the week’s up.
my best friend and i made a pact that if we’re both still single when we’re 40 we will go on a horrifying nationwide crime spree
Don’t be a doormat for people to walk all over. Be a FAKE doormat over a trapdoor that leads to a secret pit of cobras.
Friday
‘If you call me from a Private number… I’ll respect your Privacy and won’t answer.’ 💥
New Password: Elephants
<Not strong enough>
New Password: Ants
<Too strong>
New Password: BabyBearsPorridge
<Just right>
Sometimes I run across a room really fast so a spider sees me out of the corner of its eye and spends the evening worrying where I’ve gone.
Me: Just a woman looking for a connection in this thermal nuclear apocalypse.
Guy: Hey-
Me: Not you.
Friend: Call me when you wake up
[3 days later]
Me: Okay I’m up!
Women seem to want security. At least that’s what they yell whenever I approach them.
30-year-old: My knee hurts, but I don’t know why.
Me: Aww, that’s cute. I remember when I thought pain had to have reasons.
Where do rainbows go when they’re bad?
Prism. It’s a light sentence
Wife: What’s going on?
Me: Updog
Wife: Oh not that joke again
Me: Just say it!
Wife: Fine, what’s updog?
Dog: A movie about a guy with a floating house
Wife: Holy shit
Oh, your pet loves you more than anyone else? No shit, if you controlled when I ate I’d be obsessed with you too.
Our fifteen year old just spent most of dinner trying to explain to me why no one is really successful unless they are an “influencer” and then I strongly influenced him to go to bed.
A Cobra wanted to fight me but I challenged him to a thumb war and he slitthered away embarrassed.
A friend of mine is thankful she won a position on the PTA board and now we can’t be friends.
If you dropped two noodles on the floor, they would probably resemble my name more than my signature does…
Rescued a Roomba from eBay and gave it a forever home.
Why don’t they just get Jehovah’s Witnesses to deliver the mail?
I suppose you can take my cold dead hand when you pry it from my warm live one and charge me w/unlawful possession of human remains
oh no, steve’s working tonight
My resignation letter to HR will be delivered via glitter bomb