Interviewer 1: Describe yourself in one word
Me: Hired
Interviewer 2:[whispers] Holy shit can she do that??
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HER [sits seductively on my lap] The more you tip…the more I’ll take off
ME [reaches for wallet] This is such a weird way to cut hair
The bank says I can’t afford a $950 mortgage so I pay $1400 a month in rent instead.
I really hope that I look like the mirror version of me and not the camera version.
I can almost always tell when a movie doesn’t use real dinosaurs!
The smartest way to keep kids out of a fumigated house is by making it look like a big fun circus tent.
We had 7 chocolates and 3 kids, so I ate 4 cause I am a problem solver.
I may not have great parenting skills, but in my defense the kids don’t have great childing skills either.
I’m just a boy, standing in front of a girl, asking her to help me put a bunch of ducks in my car.
My service cat has walked me into traffic 14 times today.
If I was on death row I’d request my own heart as my last meal. But they wouldn’t be able to extract it til they killed me: Catch 22. I walk
A new poll shows that half of people would keep their current car forever if they could. “And now you CAN!” said the cost of living.
“That video conference call went extremely well!” I say to myself, having arrived late, mouthed ‘hello’ while on mute, and left before it was over because I noticed my underwear drawer was open and overflowing in the background the whole time. “Yes, quite well.”
ME: Distinguished fellow, have you seen a monster in this Loch?
LOCHNESS MONSTER (wearing a massive fake mustache): *monster noises*
If you took your large intestine and stretched it out in a straight line it would be very hard to get it back in you after that. So tangly.
People laughed when I said I wanted to be a professional snooker player. They’re not laughing now because it was ages ago.
The real monsters are the people who hand you money with the bills not all facing in the same direction.
“I chose you yesterday, I choose you today, and I will choose you tomorrow.”
– Me, to my coffee
I once worked with a girl named Brittanica…she was a bit aloof though I didn’t really know how to read her
Me: we’re having toad in the hole for breakfast
Pet toad: WHAT
According to the Chinese zodiac, it’s the year of the dog, or “who’s a good year?!”
Lost about 3 pounds in the last 10 mins
(shaved my back and shoulders)
if you’re ever worried there’s an intruder in your house, shout 69 down the stairs. if no one laughs, there’s no one there
I miss phone booths both as a source of loose change and also as protection against attacking seagulls
My husband unloaded the dishwasher before I woke up this morning and that’s an awful lot of flirting for a Wednesday morning
me: four out of five dentists recommend Colgate so I’ll have that
waiter: uhhh you want fries with that
Me: What do you think of your haircut?
Wife: I need more volume
Me: WHAT DO YOU THINK OF YOUR HAIRCUT?
ME: So it’s like a spank bank for your feelings?
THERAPIST: Most people just call it a journal, but sure
It’s too bad you unfollowed me, I was about to propose.
I had a terrible dream that monsters came out from under the bed at night and ate up all the pecan pie. I woke up screaming MY PIE
I miss my public school gang. We all had leather jackets and rode our bmx’s around town looking for other gangs to fight before it got dark out.
Most of the time we ended up just getting more friends from it.