INTERVIEWER: According to your resume, you like to “move it move it.”
ME: That’s correct.
I: It goes on like for… 30 pages.
M: And?
You Might Also Like
An unintentionally hysterical ad offering proof why ‘branding’ always needs a second pair of eyes.
People who have to keep a phone charger in the bathroom; have you heard of shredded wheat and raisin bran?
Toddler: What’s for dinner?
Me: Fish cakes.
Toddler [wide eyes]: FISH CAKES!? Is there frosting?!
Me:
Me:
Me:
Me: ……. Sure.
Especially if it’s THAT one … 🤣
My brother’s girlfriend is meeting my family rn & my dad just offered to introduce her to my nana’s ashes, this is the best night of my life
I deserve a reward for backing out of my driveway without hitting one blade of grass, a sprinkler head, or a small tree.
🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣
[foreplay]
her: [seductively] whisper something sexy in my ear
me: [leans in] pizza
“Catch me if you can, officer.”
*Seductively winks.*screams as police dog takes me down.
I accidentally put on my dad’s deodorant this morning and now I’m walking around offering people hard candy and asking “Working hard or hardly working?”
6 FEET MEANS 6 MF FEET! 😂😩🔥
Him “I like you”
Me: “Meh, give it five days.
Him: “No I really like you”
Me: “okay. Ten.”Narrator * It would, in fact, take 4.
[tries to walk into my How to Use a Revolving Door class and ends up outside again] what the heck
Well Avril, given that you were describing two completely different situations at the beginning and the end of the song, in retrospect yes I do believe you could have made it more obvious
wile e. coyote running off a cliff and not falling until he looks down except it’s me stopping for a second mid-sentence to think about what i’m saying
Some of you are acting like you got off a flight from Australia instead of losing one hour.
the worst thing ever is when you go to the dentist after ten years of not having insurance and the dentist is like why did you let this get this bad?? i don’t know bro why do you charge $20,000 for an x-ray
Thunder is fake. It doesn’t even sync up properly with lightning. There’s some guy who waits till he sees lightning and then he presses the thunder button.
“There’s an all you can eat–”
CUT TO:
My spinning empty office chair
Me: ‘I love you so much, I’ll see you later beautiful’
Girlfriend: ‘I love you too’
Me: *Looks up from patting dog*
‘Yeah see you later’
I got a locket as a present, but I haven’t changed the stock photos in it yet. Currently I have been walking around with a baby and a dog I don’t know around my neck.
[Driving]
HUBS: You just blew a stop sign!
ME: Jealous?
All those years of getting horrible elementary school pictures was just society’s way of preparing you for your driver’s license photo.
this november isn’t novembering the way previous novembers, novembered.
*as i lovingly cradle my mug of tea & gaze out the window at a beautiful meadow where several deer are prancing & butterflies are fluttering around & chipmunks are doing whatever the hell they do an intrusive thought pops into my head*
i wonder if my car is still in the pool?
me: when is the last time you had a bath?
4: tomorrow
Friend: just be yourself.
Me: Be myself? Be myself?!
Some of the most successful people I know aren’t myself. That’s horrible advice
Me: what should I do?
Dentist: stop eating sugar, drinking coffee and wine, cut back on stress..
Me: right but like realistically
Automated phone system: To speak to a representative, please enter the last twelve digits of pi.
Me: Yes honey.. I know.. a stroller for the baby. I got it.
*hangs up*
Salesman: As I was saying, the largest hamster ball we sell is a-