Interviewer: According to your resume, you’re one of the greatest fiction writers the world has ever known
Me: Yes, I wrote that
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I was pretty sure you were the wrong kind of crazy. Then you used “luckfully” in a tweet and removed all doubt.
devil:
first guy in hell:
devil:
first guy in hell:
devil:
first guy in hell: is the awkwardness the torture or…
devil: shut up it’s gonna—it’ll pick up
I’m 39 years old and I still have no idea what I would do if a kangaroo entered my bedroom in the middle of the night.
*camping*
Son, “What’s the wifi password?”
Me, “We’re communing with nature, get off your phone.”
Son, “Does communing have two m’s or one?”
Hates everyone who has a cooler birthstone than mine.
hi friends- for the new year I’m taking a break from life so I can focus on social media. if you need me you can find me here, constantly
Him: I think we should see other people
Me: *eating a cheese ball like an apple* why
don’t hate robert altman’s 1992 satirical comedy “the player” hate david fincher’s 1997 psychological thriller “the game”
If a guy wants to call a woman ugly online a window should pop up where he has to upload pictures of all the women he’s slept with
* wishes on shooting star
” the wish you have wished for has already been taken, please try again”
I’m so glad I had a kid so instead of relaxing in the bath, I can have someone explain Minecraft to me in painful detail.
Money was so tight last Xmas I had to sell a kidney for gifts. And this year it’s getting so bad, I may even have to sell one of my own.
A haunted house, but instead of masked creatures it’s filled with everyone’s mother-in-laws.
“Write this down.”
[Moses grabs tablet]
“Thou shalt have no other Gods bef-”
“Slow down, fella. It’s gonna take me an hour to carve ‘Thou’.”
Me: How do I let someone know that I like them?
Her: Always start with eye contact
Me: *Pokes her in the eyes Three Stooges style*
“That video conference call went extremely well!” I say to myself, having arrived late, mouthed ‘hello’ while on mute, and left before it was over because I noticed my underwear drawer was open and overflowing in the background the whole time. “Yes, quite well.”
“Good night, was it?” – Translation: You look like you slept in a hedge.
me: I’m at the age where, if I drop something, I’ll just let it hit the floor instead of pulling a muscle trying to catch it
lady: can I have my baby back
ME: it’s like a dream come true
UNICORN [speaking German and wearing a purple leotard while smoking a giant cigar]: you better enjoy it pal we had to pull a lot of strings to make this happen
*shopping*
4yo: I found pajamas with a t-rex on them. We can go home now
Me: We need other stuff too
4yo: No. This is all we need. Let’s go!
*lady shares a wallet photo of her son*
*i pull out a 20-part accordion wallet photo set of my dogs*
I wanna write a tweet that is so good that I can retire and just live off the retweets for the rest of my life.
Rumor has it, some people get things accomplished without whining about it. Not my style. Interesting concept, though.
Your chances of being hunted by a turkey are low, but never zero.
My EX sent me a text today saying “Happy Anniversary” I replied, best one yet.
Material possessions mean nothing to me.
*breaks phone*
I don’t think I can make it through this week.
Remember the good old days when everyone was going to hell in handbaskets instead of in flaming runaway mine carts?
This is the best tattoo I’ve ever seen in my whole life, no contest
I had day surgery today (nothing big) and they were like “don’t make any important decisions in the next 24 hours bc you might not remember them.” But I had to go grocery shopping. Later Morgan was like “you bought … so much, like a lot, of cheese.”
If I go missing, please understand, I have lied about my weight on my license, dramatically.