Interviewer: And do you have any experience as a carpenter?
Me, sweating nervously: YES I SPEND ALL OF MY FREE TIME CARPENTING. I’M VERY CARPENTROUS
Interviewer:
Me: I HAD FOUR RED BULLS BEFORE I CAME HERE IS THERE A BATHROOM I COULD BUILD?
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Once there was a dead bat in our driveway, but he shrieked at me when I tried to pick him up and that’s how I found out dead bats are jerks.
[second date]
Me: so… is this your first police chase?
A chia pet tampon so you can have a lil sheep for your troubles.
I got kicked off Wikipedia for adding “obviously” to the end of every article.
Right after Marie Kondo we went through a year of buying crap we don’t need out of sheer cabin fever.
When I die, PLEASE don’t bury me in a fancy suit. That happened to a guy I knew and it turned him into a skeleton.
My 10YO was trying to play her recorder louder than my 6YO was screeching at her to stop playing the recorder.
My 8YO: So, mom, who would you say is your favorite kid?
guess who just got fired. the big man at merriam webster didnt like me sneaking in my own ideas for words. not very pompsh of them. not very pompsh at hocklorp
If it’s the thought that matters, I had a shower today 😉
The key to house hunting is knowing that the house is more afraid of you than you are of it.
I think we can all agree if the ancient Egyptians had twitter there would be no pyramids.
Who called it a psychic reading instead of prophet sharing?
me: *hiding from kidnapper*
kidnapper: *sneezes*
me: BLESS YOU!
If anyone is looking for a quick and affordable hair removal system, you’re welcome to come over and use my grill.
Vampire selfies are just phones floating in front of bathroom mirrors.
[at the running of the bulls]
ME: imma try to pet ’em
No no, I’m not going to pay for these hot wings, I discovered them and you JUST GOT COLUMBUSED
This is literally the best thing I’ve ever seen happen on Twitter
fellas who call it the walk of shame why are you admitting that it’s embarrassing to have sex with you
Me :
All Day At Night
Bear Grylls: *waits impatiently for NASA’s call*
When the lady at the DMV asked if I wanted to be an organ donor, I told her, “Yes, but only if I die.”
Travel bloggers during quarantine
If I’m ever on COPS it would be titled “When Suspects Attempt To Pet The Police Dog.”
11 hours into my 13 hour fast and the smell of bacon fills every inch of the house
I’m going for a walk …. a very long walk!
Do you want a straw or do you want a STRAW?
[receives death threat]
please stop flirting with me
Wow, it’s a beautiful day outside. I should probably do something. *closes the blinds so there isn’t a glare on my screen*
~ Developers
Tapping your wrist is the international sign for “I’m running late”.
Millennial: blank stare