interviewer: and how many years of experience do you have being a sandwich?
You Might Also Like
Me: Have you seen my bedroom trash bin?
Teen: The small one?
Me: Yes.
Teen: Made of wicker?
Me: Yes!
Teen: Dark?
Me: Yes!!
Teen: No.
Co-worker insists on talking with his mouth full. No one can ever understand him. Wish we had a dentist was in the house to interpret.
Dog:
Me:
Dog:
Me:
Dog: *spits out pill*
Me: DAMMIT!
Received dm of the day
No, I don’t want to experience a “typhoon” on your waterbed.
[moving day]
Me: Here we go. Bye house.
Husband: You forgot the kids.
Me: I filled out a change of address card. They’ll find us eventually.
Pretty sure my cold is trying to seduce me. I sneezed and my bra unsnapped.
“So sorry” – Actually sorry
“Sorry about that” – Not really sorry
“Sorry you feel that way” – Not sorry at all
“Sorry, but…” – Apologise to me
ME: You have a beautiful home.
HER: I’m a bartender. You’re at a bar.
i was just about to start being a good person but then i got mildly inconvenienced
my kids’ favourite game was MAMA CLOSE YOUR EYES AND OPEN YOUR MOUF! so no, I’m not worried about the vaccine
As I get older, I don’t refer to myself as “well seasoned”.
I’m more “fermented”.
Her: Where do you work?
Me (trying to get laid): I’m a Doctor…
Her: *starts choking on food*
Me: …on a TV show
I told the kids they’ve stressed me out so much I burst a vessel in my eye, so they brought me a plate of cheese.
I was hoping for a clean kitchen but I am disarmingly soothed.
My date didn’t go as planned and now I don’t know what to do with this kiddie pool full of nacho cheese.
[Mon]
Boss: Let’s talk about your clothes
Adam: But it’s my best leaf
B: You need officewear
A: Understood[Tues]
B: Is that a sticky note?
The house from Hansel and Gretel but made out of tacos.
“Mmmm Brians”
– a dyslexic or gay zombie
1st girl @ the moon:
– Houston, we have a problem
– What happened?
– Nothing, doesn’t matter
– Come on
– Nothing..
– Tell me
– U should know
Your face is perpetually itchy now that you’re not supposed to touch it.
It’s science.
good cop: don’t make me get the bad cop in here
bad cop: [pulling on the push door] almost got it
good cop: god he is so bad at everything
Single: We do it like rabbits
Married: I submitted the proper request form but haven’t heard back yet
My 3-year-old said, “Daddy, you’re big & strong like a garbage truck.” Thanks, I think. I often view of myself as a mobile trash receptacle.
I never know what to do when someone tries to fist bump me, so I just slowly put their fist in my mouth
[having daughter’s new boyfriend (who I think is a caveman) over for dinner]
so dave, how is work? *lights candle and watches his reaction*
Why didn’t I marry a hairdresser or a baker. I did not think this through.
As a child, ‘The Jetsons’ gave me unrealistic expectations for the future: like having a wife who loves me & owning a dog.
I think we as a society can hold two thoughts at same time a) almost anyone can be scammed + b) a financial advice columnist falling for an “Amazon rep” connecting you to “the CIA” who tells you to put 50k in unmarked bills in a shoebox to toss in a car and tell no one in wild
Don’t forget to smile today, but not that creepy smile that makes us all wonder how many bodies are buried in your yard.