Interviewer: And what are your long term goals?
Me: I was thinking cremation.
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SOMEONE LEFT. A FULL PLATE OF COOKIES. AND A GLASS OF MILK. RIGHT BY THE FIREPLACE FOR ME. I AM NOT KIDDING. WHAT A NIGHT
Carl: Perfect weather tonight.
Me: Tell me something I don’t know.
Carl: Butterflies taste with their feet.
Me: Fair enough.
I can’t wait til there’s a chalk outline filter
When Meatloaf said he would do anything for love, but he wouldn’t do that, he was talking about quarantining with his kids for 2 weeks.
Cell phones ruined the fun of pushing a fully clothed person into a pool.
First week of my diet I gained 3 pounds. However, I found out if I stand further away from the mirror I look thinner.
*Australian accent* Notice the wife in her natural habitat shaming the male husband species into doing what she wants!
me: freedom implies the existence of freesub
subway: we said no
A hypnotist made me believe I was a bendable metal with an atomic number of 82. I’m easily lead.
I’m just wondering how long it’s going to take someone to notice I’m eating this pudding cup with a pen.
Middle of the night In bed:
*Loud noise*
Wife – Did you hear that?
Me –
Wife – I said did you hear that?
Me (under the bed) – Yes
[driving test]
INSTRUCTOR: first name?
ME: Mike
I: last?
M: Arbrokedown
I: Mike Arbrokedown?
M: no problem let’s use mine
I: *crumples test*
When I’m old enough, my kids better not leave me alone with a box of Crayolas and anything upholstered
DOG BOSS: Any messages for me?
DOG ASSISTANT: just one from Mr. Agoodboy
DOG BOSS: who’s Agoodboy?
DOG ASSISTANT: *tail starts wagging*
Interviewer: “What is your biggest weakness?”
Me: “Answering job interview questions correctly.”
CUTE GIRL IN BAR: *walks up, points to my empty glass* Want another?
ME: (OK don’t blow this) Sure
*she hands me her empty glass & leaves*
[accidentally makes eye contact with someone] Oh my God, I am so sorry. Are you OK?
[At Wedding]
Priest: And do you take me as your lawfully wedded wife?
Me: I do. WAIT A SECOND
Priest: TOO LATE. YOU’RE MINE NOW, IDIOT.
Ear cleaning technician sounds like a solid career path. As far as we know people are going to have ears.
How many beer trucks can you “accidentally” run into before your insurance company becomes suspicious?
I could look like Margot Robbie if I was younger, taller, and had a whole different face.
i haven’t seen a “turn $50 into $5000” post in a minute, y’all in jail now?
A website for religious potato chip lovers…Christian Pringle.
if the moon landing really happened then where did the moon land?? i don’t see it anywhere you think you’d notice it i mean it’s at least 5, 6 feet wide
me: im fine, everything’s fine
my search history: i beg to differ
the early bird gets the worm & so does this dance floor of unsuspecting wedding reception guests when my jam comes on
My wife bought 24 Hostess cupcakes for my son to take to school tomorrow for his birthday treat. I didn’t know that’s what they were for. I hope 8 kids are absent tomorrow.
Thanks for explaining my tweet, Dr Joke Getter PhD
teacher: there’s no such thing as a stupid question
me: are sharks just mean dolphins
teacher: ok i was wrong