INTERVIEWER: And why under skills did you put “has dominion over bees”?
ME: [covered in bee stings] You can cross that one off
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Report: Scientist walks in on climate changing, awkwardness ensues
[she comes home with a doggy bag]
Her: Here, boy, I have a treat for you *sounds of the dog & I fighting to the death*
hey pistachios how about taken the shells off we don’t want those sweetie
Hey, which Instagram filter takes out all the insecurities?
Alcohol is generally the answer. Especially when the question is ‘why can’t I remember what the question is?’
An interrogator that just goes into the room and loudly eats a peach until the suspect confesses to everything.
Dear every guy that works out excessively, the sun is out! NOW is your moment! It was all worth it! Take that shirt off and walk around!!
Me: Are you going to travel by ship to the new world?
Husband: Huh?
Me: Are you going to the witch stoning?
Husband: What?
Me: Are you going to grab your musket and join the minute men?
Husband:
I’ll take the seat next to the guy who swallowed the wifi.
I never thought geometry would be any use to me in the real world, but look at me now, one more game of beer pong to win back my house.
at soccer practice a mom next to me asked her kids if they wanted to do cartwheels with her and i’m like shut up no one likes you
Wouldn’t be mad at all if I found this instead of staples
Give a man a fish, you feed him for a day.
Give him fish again the second day and he will complain about having to eat the same food everyday.
We could all chip in, buy Rolling Stone magazine, and take turns being on the cover.
I find it funny when an actor starts off a movie doing an accent and then it mysteriously disappears like their paycheck just cleared
Today is the Winter Solstice, the shortest day of the year. Unless, of course, you’re waiting in line at Wal-mart.
ME [struggling]: skinny jeans, skinny jeans, let me in
SCARED DENIM: don’t come back till you’re thinny, thin, thin
People are like snowflakes. Individually small and ineffective, but if we work together we can make my step dad crash his car into a tree.
Uh oh…
My wife is not buying that Russians hacked my phone and texted that her mother is an overbearing windbag with no sense of boundaries.
Tried to impress 9 by making up sentences containing 3 of her vocabulary words at once, so now she knows what “nerd” means.
Instagram better not use my cloud pics. THEY’RE MY CLOUDS GET YOUR OWN CLOUDS ZUCKERBERG!
Guys what shall we call thing that impedes movement?
GUY NAMED BARRY: “How about a barry?”
GUY NAMED BARRY BARRY: “How about a barrier?”
Remember to horrify your friends and family by testing out your tweets on Facebook today
*crumples a hamburger next to the phone* sorry, i’m having trouble hearing u over this delicious hamburger noise call u later ok
When driving: *shakes fist at pedestrians*
When walking: *shakes fist at motorists*
When running: *shakes fist at the murderer chasing me*
I’m from the 80’s. We ate cookies instead of deleting them.
ah, mercury’s going retrograde, that explains why i accidentally squandered my entire youth
everyone: IT WAS COLD OUT THIS MORNING BUT NOW ITS WARM! WHATEVER SHALL WE DO?
me: finally *slowly unzipping my khakis at the knee so they become shorts* now is my time to shine
pharaoh: over my dead body!
pyramid architect: that’s where we’ll build it, yes.