interviewer: any interests outside of work
me: war and space documentaries
mom: he means star wars
me: mom stay in the car
mom: nerd
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Cw: What are you having for lunch?
Me: Unwelcome company it seems.
Arthur Conan Doyle: I have invented the greatest detective of all time
Agatha Christie: hold my tea
Doyle: … why does this tea taste funny
I haven’t worn a trench coat since a random man in his 60s said to me “what are you looking for detective” 😭😭
I was tired of my kids asking me to put the same 7 songs on for them 9,000 times a day, so I taught them how to do it themselves.
I am not a smart woman.
wanna bet Tom Hanks is kinda bitter about how easily Moana got over that break in the waves.
So glad we cleared that up
Today Mother phoned asked me what I was doing . I said I was on Google maps and looking at her house .She asked if I could see her waving .
*cries over spilt milk*
*cries under spilt milk*
*cries adjacent to spilt milk*
*cries immediately to the left of spilt milk*
*cries diagona
Guy I’m hooking up with: stop telling your friends about us
Me to my friends: anyway then he referred to us as “us”
$120 for a tire rotation? trust me they rotate. buddy how do you think i got here
“building-building building building building-building building”
(translatiom: structur-making tower makimg another structure-making tower)
SO AFTER I CAUGHT HER CHEATING ON ME I WANTED TO JUMP OUT OF A PLANE AND DIE. ANYWAY MY NAME’S TOM AND I’LL BE YOUR TANDEM PARACHUTE PARTNER
mob boss: rip his fingernails off
henchman: they’re bitten really short
mob boss: then do his toenails!
henchman: [removing my socks] you’re not gonna believe this
*goes into Lowe’s for a can of paint*
*leaves with $200 worth of Girl Scout cookies*
Hot, single, raccoons in your area want to rummage through your garbage.
AT&T had a nationwide outage, giving kids an authentic 1900s experience.
You’re not a mistake.
Mistakes can be fixed.You’re hopeless.
I have a type: disappointing
This probably isn’t good
little kids always bringing toys with them and start talkin bout “can u hold this for me.” no i cant. thats ur shit. u only been alive a few years and ur already making enemies
New COVID variant tries to sell you an extended auto warranty.
ME: I’m just like you I put my pants on one leg at a time
HR: but what if you did it before getting to the office
Me: I killed another one, boss.
Mob boss: You don’t work for me.
Me: I volunteered.
Mob boss:*Looking angry*
Me: I’m gonna get back to work.
[being murdered]
Me: You’re going to somehow ruin this, aren’t you?
[Christina Aguilera begins singing the lyrics ‘You Are Beautiful’ at her concert, notices me in the audience, and abruptly stops]
[school]
Ok class, what was Abraham Lincoln most famous for doing? Billy?“Abolishing slavery.”
And…
“Slaying vampires.”
Very good.
IT email: please complete this cybersecurity training
me: *report as phishing*
‘Why do people even talk to babies? It’s not like they can understand anything’ I ask my dog.
Prison Guard: *evil laugh* I’m going to do a cavity search.
Me, who has never had a cavity because I brush regularly: I look forward to it!
[Being chased by killer]
Me: *Frantically tries to finish my Amazon order*