Interviewer: Any questions?
Me: How come Cinderella was able to talk to the mice but not the birds, cat or dog??
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“There’s more than one way, to skin a cat.”
Things not to say to a woman, when they ask if you prefer shaved or trimmed.
If a dragon flew overhead right now, I’d be surprised but not surprised surprised
I got myself a wrap on my way home at 2am & a girl outside stopped me and said “my boyfriend’s stormed off. do you want his chips?” and she gave them to me and got in her uber alone and sped away into the night. i miss her.
Dad (92): Please don’t put that <item> there.
Me: Okay. Where would you like me to put it?
Dad: Anywhere you like.
Me: (moves item)
Dad: Not THERE.
Fred realized too late that he should have bought a fresh sheet for his toga, when he walked into the black light party.
[first day as doctor]
me: you haven’t been getting enough sleep
patient: how can you tell?
me: *tapping x-ray* no spiders
Sometimes I wish I was an octopus so I could hit 8 colleagues at once.
I never rule out murder as the crime, even when it’s jaywalking.
ME: I shot a man in Reno–
YOU: Just to watch him die? haha
ME: I’m a desert photographer, Russell, you know this.
I’m not in my prime, I’m in my amazon prime. You’ll get what you want from me about 2 days after you ask for it.
“…any reason why these 2 should not be married, speak now or…”
They’re engagement photo only got 21 likes on Facebook!
*crowd GASPS*
I’m going to steal my own tweets and get mad at myself.
Who called it emotional baggage and not griefcase
[cat and dog meet for negotiations]
Mediator: We’re just beginning this process, so right now everything is on the table.
Cat: *smiles*
Dog: Oh no.
me: i feel like im being singled out because im the oldest person in this karate class and im winning all my matches
them: this is a daycare and you are under arrest
[joins a conga line]
me: I can leave any time I like
[someone joins behind]
me: oh no
Plays “In Your Eyes” on the kazoo outside your window, dressed like a potato.
Man: a pack of condoms please.
Cashier: would you like a paper bag?
Man: no thanks, she’s pretty good looking.
Nice job Instagramming your plane ticket with enough personal information to take out a mortgage in your name.
The most embarrassing thing on my phone is my calculator history
I put an energy drink in my hummingbird feeder, now all my hummingbirds are going back in time and returning with tiny top hats.
Sing like no one is listening.
Dance like you need to be shot with a tranquilizer dart.
Whenever someone calls me, instead of texting, I just assume they’ve had a horrific accident and have lost the use of their fingers & thumbs
First they came for the mime artists, and I said something, because I didn’t want them to think I was also a mime artist.
ROBIN: do you go to church
CATWOMAN: yeah i’m catholic
ROBIN: what’s a holic
Doctor: You have to eat healthier
Cannibal: [starts eating vegans]
Found 6 cents in the laundry and all I can say is this family better start tipping better if they want fabric softener
[Yelp review for Mario Bros Plumbing]
Ate my mushrooms, killed ALL my turtles, stole my coin collection. 1 star.
-Bowser K.
Remember, ladies, when you’re taking those selfies, the camera adds like 10 cats.
Time flies when you duct tape an alarm clock to a pelican.