Stranger man at the beach asked me, “Y’all got a boat?” I said we have three, but they’re old Fisher-Price models.
It took him a moment.
Interviewer: Any questions?
Me: Why did pirates always get just one eye poked out?
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My grandfather was so racist he had a white & white television set.
Her – “so your profile said you like classical music? I love Mozart & Bach, how about you?”
Me – “Jurassic Park theme”
Yes. You rt’d me 14 times in a row. Thanks.
You are first in line for my liver when the time comes.
just taught my 3yo to sing “if you’re happy and you’ve no wit, clap your hands” and then laugh at the people clapping
ME: *says entire order in French to impress my date*
CHINESE WAITER: what
[2 monkeys in a bath]
Monkey 1: OOOHH OOHH AHH AHHH AHAH!!
Monkey 2: If it’s too hot Colin, put some cold water in
A guest dropped by my dirty house on short notice today, so I put cleaning supplies out all over the place. They were just for show.
You know what cats don’t like? Blow dryers.
You know what’s funny? Pointing your blow dryer at your cat.
Anyway, I lost an eye today.
[exchanging xmas gifts]
me: “if you dont open it you can never be disappointed can you?”
schrödinger: “i feel like i brought this on myself”