Interviewer: Any questions?
Me: If Bruno Mars had a sex change operation would he change his name to Bruno Venus?
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i dont really try to ‘make’ ‘friends’ on twitter im more like a wild deer and if you interact with me enough i may become accustomed to your scent enough to eat a carrot out of your hand
him: will you at least act normal when my folks get here
me: *flipping a pancake and reading it like a tarot card* bad news
An esteemed colleague told me he hard-boils eggs in the morning, uses them as pocket warmers, and then has them as a little mid-morning snack when he gets to work.
Truly, the line between genius and madness is very thin.
I never remember names, so name dropping is basically useless around me.
Sweet Jesus > Unsweetened Jesus
Boys are cute how they’re all “I like girls that don’t wear heavy makeup” and “get down from that tree near my window or I’ll call the cops”
wife: when my husband pees it sounds like a horse
doctor: he probably has a wide ureth-
*loud whinnying coming from the bathroom*
Me: *Spitting out teeth*
Her: Omg what happened?
Me: I ate too many of them
My friend says to me, “What rhymes with orange?”
And I told him, “No, it doesn’t.”
God: you’ll protect your kids by carrying them 3,000 miles to keep them warm
Penguin: got it
God: you get pouches to keep ‘em safe & so they never get lost
Kangaroo: Love it
God: when they get too big just throw them out & hope for the best
Bird: wait, what?
Him: Why are you watching WWE all of a sudden?
Me: I’m trying to learn new holds for when I have to floss the kids’ teeth
Me: *leans in for a kiss
CPR Instructor: Did you just say ‘leans in for a kiss’???
As a parent you get to see just how much a baby accomplishes in its first year of life. Because you’re awake for all of it.
scully: victim died of multiple stab wounds
mulder: *throws her a file* ever heard of the knife alien
[Pitching my idea]
HEAD WRITER [sighing] This isn’t just the plot of Ratatouille again, is it?
ME: Excuse me, I do have other ideas[Painfully long pause]
ME: So there’s this badger that loves cooking
Met a dog named Donut. I don’t need that kind of reminder all day. Excuse me, I have to go take Smaller Portions for a walk.
If you love her, shout it from the rooftops. Tell everyone around you. Tell the internet. Tell the cashier at cvs. Tell a hobo. Tell her husband. Whatever.
A travel of a thousand miles starts with a solo government-charged full-body cavity search at the airport.
Lmao the reply
*looking contemplative*
Wife: What are you thinking about?
Me: You know, if Nessie was sworn into the mob-
Wife: Don’t.
Me:
Wife:
Me: She’d be a Loch Ness Mobster.
You politely tap a jogger with your car one time, and suddenly you get labeled a hero.
girls don’t like boys who are punctual..
once this girl dumped me because i came early
If the work week didn’t already exist and someone pitched the idea of everyone working 5 out of every 7 days they’d get thrown in a volcano
[WOLF CUB] Dad, why do we howl at the moon?
[WOLF DAD] Well son, the moon is made of cheese and that’s rad as hell
*getting kidnapped in the grocery store parking lot*
PLEASE JUST LET ME PUT MY CART BACK FIRST
Someone: Im in town!
New Yorkers: OMFG!! That’s so great! Have fun!!!!
Smooth, elegant, complex and full-bodied. But enough about me, this wine is fantastic.
Dance like you haven’t fallen off that pole twice already.
Films and television have led me to believe that masquerade balls have a higher mortality rate than most wars.