@TheBoydP

Interviewer: Any questions?

Me: If Bruno Mars had a sex change operation would he change his name to Bruno Venus?

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@PORNOPINION

I’m tired of 19 year olds thinking they’re special for being hot. You’re 19 You’re supposed to be hot. Call me when you’re 45 and hot.

@jaden

“It’s Your Birthday” Mateo Said. I Didn’t Respond. “Are You Not Excited To Be 15” He Asked. Reading My Book I Uttered “I Turned 15 Long Ago”

@TheCatWhisprer

My Ebola outbreak brings the CDC to the yard and they’re like, sir that’s just irritable bowel syndrome.

@steveolivas

I went through and unfollowed everyone who is better looking than me.

It took a lot longer than I thought it would.

@mazizkhalifa

90 people have swine flu and everybody wants to wear a mask. A million people have AIDS and nobody wants to wear a condom.

@Marcmywords2

That awkward moment when the
Priest uses YOUR confession as the
theme for his sermon.

Again.

@ericsshadow

My wife & I went to a costume party as each other. She walked around pointing at things, asking how much they cost. I showed up 2 hrs late.

@ItsAndyRyan

Bae: Are you coming over?
Me: Yes, I’m coming over.
– Me and Bae having CB Radio sex