Interviewer: Any questions?
Me: Is a personal shopper someone who just goes on Amazon for you now?
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Just some repair guys and me at work right now. If a pizza delivery guy and a director show up, I’m leaving.
sometimes. i will yawn really big. and soon after. the human will also yawn. i have yet to decide. what to do with my powers
Will I be able to follow Children of the Corn if I didn’t see the prequels, Babies of the Corn and Toddlers of the Corn?
I’m going spiraling, do you need anything?
If I was a marriage counselor I would just make the couple look at a dating website for 20 minutes.
Finding a synonym for ‘uneasy’? That won’t be difficult
Pretty rude to eat a salad in front of your houseplants
I ate a piece of chocolate and thought I found a crumb of it on my laptop keyboard and ate it but it was a bug so that wasn’t ideal.
[meeting at the headquarters of literally any app]
good morning everyone, let’s get started. the first and only item on our agenda is, how do we make this app worse
It takes a big man to admit when he’s got a problem, but it takes an even bigger man to help me bring all these beers in from the car.
“We’re going to a school presentation tonight, ok?”
My kid: “I love presents.”
“Why would you want to live in the Matrix instead the richness of reality, doesn’t make any sense,” I mutter as I reach for my phone immediately after waking up.
People really don’t fall in wells like they used to.
If you’re testing me, we failed.
wife: you forgot to take the garbage out
me: sorry. I’ll take 2 garbages out tonight
Cop cars aren’t very intimidating. Add a crazy plow covered in blood, an anarchy symbol and spinning saw blades and I’ll stop in a heartbeat
For once I’d like to be referred to as The Chosen One but not when I’m being identified in a police lineup.
I would be okay with a ghost in the house if every time a bathroom mirror fogged up with steam, it slowly wrote out “DID YOU LOSE WEIGHT?”
Women’s skincare is so confusing am I supposed to look shiny and sweaty or matte like cement
PERSON WHO IS A LITTLE TOO INTO CARDS DOING A FANCY SHUFFLE: Ok lads, the game is Beggar’s Summit. A pair is worth thrice, two kings is a false dawn, no peeling, no japes, player on your left ghouls and on your first deal you have to toast.
4: I’M GONNA RIP YOUR EYEBALLS OUT
Me: Stop yelling violent things
4: *whispers* I’m gonna rip your eyeballs out
When someone backs into your dad’s car in the same spot you nailed it with a basketball earlier, and now you don’t have to tell him about the the basketball, that’s a coincidents
Cowboys would still be alive today if they hadn’t shot all of their spare bullets in the air after winning one gunfight.
[roleplaying]
her: this is weird
me: [dressed as lumiere from beauty and the beast] say “i’ve been burned by you before”
her: [dressed as the feather duster] no
I just want to be attractive enough to be considered for a part in an STD medication commercial.
Remember last year, when Biden pardoned those Thanksgiving turkeys and the next day they robbed a liquor store?
Me [proudly]: This is my son. He’s 10, a fine artist & great at math
Nurse: That’s a garbage can & your morphine drip is still attached
me: i won employee of the month
her: ur self-employed
me:
her:
me: i also got demoted
DOG DRIVING INSTRUCTOR: Please assume the correct position for operating a vehicle.
DOG STUDENT: *sticks head out window*
DDI: Excellent.
I’m so down for anne frank demon slayer