Interviewer: Any questions?
Me: Why is the fattest holiday character the one that goes down the chimney?
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“Son, you suck.”
-Dracula, teaching his children basic survival tactics
[Struts in lookin fly as heck in my speedo, shower cap and armfull of baby dolls
struts out with new understanding of the term baby shower]
Having a child doesn’t make you a father. Sneezing as loud as you can after cutting the grass does.
If the Get Out challenge was running straight at people and veering away last second, the Midsommar challenge is just taking your long term boyfriend to see Midsommar
I sleep with a bat under my bed in case someone breaks in and wants to learn about echolocation
asked my roommate for an update on my cat tofu and she sent me this 😭
And like the migratory pattern of the white-crowned sparrow, the last roll of toilet paper makes its journey from bathroom to bathroom.
Cop: spread’em!
Me: *frantically starts buttering bread*
Hi, childless people. I just meticulously peeled the skin off a pickle. Cuz the pickle was “bumpy.”
Enjoy your day. Not de-bumping pickles.
Sometimes I wanna comment on a photo on Facebook but then I don’t wanna have to explain why I’m in your ‘Random Party Pics 08’ album at 4am.
When I put my mind to something I can procrastinate about anything.
Life is like a box of condoms. If you don’t use one, you never know what you’re goin get.
I tell people I rearrange my furniture to change things up, but we all know it’s to annoy my husband
1-year-old: *screeches*
3-year-old: *screeches back*
Me: What’s wrong?
3: We’re dinosaurs
I had to ban pterodactyls fights in the house.
Take me down to the paradise city where the salmon are jumping and the tubes are fishy
After my husband explained in detail what he does for work, my 6-year-old asked if he has fun at work so clearly he was not listening to a single thing my husband said.
I still have all the energy to go to concerts and stay out until two am.
I do not, however, still have the energy for the next day.
*falls down*
Mom: What was that?
Me: My shirt fell
Mom: It sounded much heavier than a shirt
Me: I was in it
[choking to death on a sushi roll]
CO-WORKER 1: John, your mute is on.
CO-WORKER 2: John? Can you hear me? Your Zoom’s muted.
CO-WORKER 1: John, you have to turn off your mute.
CO-WORKER 3: I don’t think he realizes he’s on mute.
They say you become what you hate and so I am terrified I’m going to become a young, vibrant beautiful man who’s loathful life is full of undeserved luck and success.
if you’re a shakespeare character your chances of getting mauled by a bear while a clown watches are low but never zero
Baby, tonight let’s put the kids to bed, pour some wine, turn the lights down low & argue over whose turn it is to move the Elf on the Shelf
me in high school: oh my god I missed two hairs on my legs, I am an abomination
me today: the bug spray has lemongrass and peppermint in it so it doubles as perfume
Carl’s joy at escaping the predators captured forever by an ill-timed mud slide.
I’m good at turning a bad situation into a terrible one
Raw eggs are great for a fitness diet.
If you don’t like the taste, just add sugar, flour, cocoa and baking powder and bake for 30 minutes.
Not having a sex life has saved me a lot of money on razors.
“the moon is made of cheese”
You’re an idiot
“And yet you seem to be unable to refute my claim! Is it perhaps that you have no logical rebuttal? Tis always the side with the weaker argument that must resort to name calling. 😏”
I planted grizzly DNA under my fingernails so when I choke on doritos the medical examiners assume I was strangled by a bear but fought back