Interviewer: Any special skills?
Me: Eclairvoyance.
Him: I don’t understand.
Me: There’s a box of donuts in your desk
Him: YOU KNOW TOO MUCH
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No one wants to publish my erratic fiction.
I just left a court docket with 47 cases. I was number 4 and 43. The judge took the bench and took one look at me with my Kleenex and hacking cough and said, “Patient zero, YOU will be going first.”
Never has looking like complete crap made me so happy.
i’m angry no one’s ever pranked me by having 10 pizzas delivered that i didn’t order
I have boogers but they are too big for these holes.
-my 5 yo on blowing his nose.
Phlebotomist: Have you had blood drawn before, sir?
Rambo: *semi-unintelligible* first, first part II, and last
Me: I can’t believe I’m only discovering Fleetwood Mac now.
Girlfriend: I’ve heard Rumours
Me: No, it’s true Sandra. They’re an actual band.
Date: I like to take things slow
Me: *puts stolen turtle on table* Hey, so do I
[after bowling]
Me: that was fun
Date: you whispered “bowling” every time you rolled the ball
Me: it helps me aim
[later in bed]
Me: *whispering* bo-
Her: -no
What is the appropriate age to tell your child that you’ve given up on them?
Thought Experiment: Stand on a scale in an elevator. Cut the cable. You, the scale, and the elevator fall — scale reads zero
Police: Sir, you account is hacked.
Me: Twitter?
Police: No, bank account.
Me: Oh, thank god !!
Adulthood is equal parts ‘nobody can tell me what to do’ and ‘I wish someone would tell me what to do’
Calling bullshit on movies. Not once have I walked into a public restroom and found a gun taped to the back of the toilet.
me: i’ll have the mouse, please
waiter: that’s mousse, sir
me: never mind then, that’ll be way too much food
My husband reprogrammed my radio stations to country so I pulled over and set the car on fire.
[Cops at crime scene]
Cop 1: Criminal scum. They must have taken every single toilet.
Cop 2: Wow, they really left us nothing to go on.
Burning bridges was a lot easier when 7 out of 10 people had lighters in their pockets.
SCROOGE: Oh great spirit…why are we at the Olive Garden?
GHOST OF CHRISTMAS PASTA: These guys have endless breadsticks
Thanks for posting another selfie. I completely forgot what you looked like 24 hours ago.
me: i’m so sad and hopeless and directionless
my brains: buy stuff
me: no listen i need a purpose
brain: a purchase?
Current life status – By the time I figure out what nostril is plugged, it jumps to the other side.
Cute girl: omg I love this bread
[At the next table]
Jesus: [loudly, holding up a slice of bread] so this is my body
In tense moments i like to think “what would Jesus do” and then violently flip over a bunch of tables.
Black Friday: Because Only in America, People trample others for Sales the day after being thankful for what they already have
He approaches me from behind and wraps his arms around me and I am breathless.
With one firm and quick thrust, he dislodges my food.
What base is it when she takes off your clothes, handcuffs you to the bed and her boyfriend comes in and they steal all your things?
If they can put a man on the moon they can make a pair of glasses that scream before you sit on them
This might be the funniest tweet ever
My ex wife’s husband is a pretty cool guy. I’m looking forward to the day she ruins his life so we can talk about what a bitch she is.
motivation