interviewer: are you a good listener
TV captioner: yes
interviewer: can you type quickly and accurately
TV captioner: oh yeah
interviewer: sorry, we can not hire you
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I took a test to see if I have multiple personalities. I scored 100%, 92%, and 88%.
Bitcoin. Toothurt.
I can’t tell if my baby is a slow clapper or is starting a slow clap to mock my parenting.
[God making peaches]
ANGEL: we already have nectarines
GOD: [taking bong rip] lmao, put hair on them
ANGEL: what
GOD: what
[Science Meeting, 1924]
Why don’t we tell the people that every snowflake is unique? It’s not like they’ll ever really check
“Let’s do it”
You are probably horrified by my wardrobe
Turns out my cleaner is on Elm St
Should not be a surprise
Explaining to the plumber that it’s a ziplock bag of my birthday cake I forgot I hid in the toilet tank, and also please don’t tell the kids about this spot.
Sorry I can’t make it, I asked my toddler if he wanted help putting on his shoes he answered “yes I don’t”
My 4 year old asked if she could put makeup on me. I asked jokingly if she was going to “make me pretty,” to which she responded, dead serious, “you’re ALWAYS pretty, Mommy.” So I need to know where to get this child a unicorn do they have those on Amazon?
Holding back your crazy is like sucking in your fat. Eventually it’s gonna come out.
[First day as an exterminator]
Me: *pointing to giant, dead mouse on floor* He won’t be bothering you anymore.
Chuck E. Cheese Manager: OH MY GOD
COP: drop the gun
CRIMINAL: no
COP: [flipping through police handbook, whispers to partner] it doesnt say what to do if he says no
as a british man you have to pick an obsessive hobby before age 31 or WW2 history is selected for you by default
I had to delete Facebook because I liked too many pictures of dogs yesterday and now the newsfeed algorithm thinks I care about those people
Me: *Holding a door and hiding behind it*
Murderer: *walks through the door*
Me *passive aggressive*: YOU’RE WELCOME
Trump’s gonna be sooo mad when he finds out that China realized building a Great Wall didn’t keep foreigners out 400 years before he did.
*brings a laser pointer to the Broadway showing of Cats and creates utter mayhem*
I like to put a few lawnmowers in the back of my truck and follow landscapers all day just to make them nervous
There’s no one lazier than the guy who named the orange.
HER: congratulations on having twins
ME: triplets
HER: but there’s only two of them
ME: shit
One day you’re young and spry and the next you’re watching videos of people taste testing their friends’ Subway sandwich orders.
I lost my virginity once, I know I can do it again.
Delivery Instructions: “Please, deliver the pizza like normal, but as you walk back to your car, slowly turn back and say, ‘Hey kid! You did alright out there tonight. Your father would have been proud’.”
Smile they said.
Apparently, 47 empty bottles of shampoo are fine but I leave one beer can in the shower and suddenly I “have a problem.”
I respect the guy who drives his Blue BMW through the White Castle drive thru. It’s like he’s saying: “I’m better than you—but not by much.”
Really discouraging that there’s still bald people in sci fi movies.
My parents were going to name me after the city I was conceived in but neither of them knew how to spell Albuquerque.
[donating blood]
Me [feeling lightheaded]: I’m gonna need that back