Interviewer: Are you a natural leader?
Me: *steps out of his office* Sweet Caroline…
Everyone: BOM BOM BOM
Interviewer: Damn you’re good.
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My daughter just asked for nunchucks for her 12th birthday. Have to say, I’m 50% proud, 30% amused and 100% terrified.
Shit gets real with the whole “I-hid-something-from-my-kid-and-now-I-can’t-find-it-either” game when the thing you hid is your iPad.
pep talk
WIFE: When my sister goes on holidays, she likes to stay off the beaten track, often using lesser known roads to see the country.
ME: *barely audible* a detourist
WIFE: Get out.
ME: Wow I have to print this document right now
PRINTER: Like, right right now?
Please define the logic when someone says you’re too much?
Too much what?
little known fact: bill nye is short for william new years eve
I had a friend call to say they’re on their way over. I couldn’t think of an excuse fast enough to tell them I’m not home after I told them I was home when I answered the call.
The moral of the story? Don’t answer the phone. Ever.
corner shelves seem like such an ingenious use of space until you try to put stuff in them
Me: I’m going to poop
Dog: Great I’m coming with you
Me: lets go on a date
Her: umm
Me: what could go wrong
*25 minutes later we are being chased by a pack of raccoons*
i prefer mine room temperature.
There was a cricket on my toilet seat so I just backed out awkwardly. Lock the door next time, bro.
6yo: I wish I was a bird so I could poop on people’s heads.
7yo: Why do you need to be a bird?
[intercom]
Please stop putting clown shoes on the sacrificial goat. The ritual is in 3 days & the other cults aren’t taking us seriously.
My kid asked me to hold her candy, took one look at my excited face and decided she should hold onto it instead, which was definitely the right call.
Boss: You need supervision.
Me: *squints really, really hard*
Gym instructor: What’s your main purpose for working out?
Me: Knorr cubes. Yea. Need to be strong enough to break them.
you know when you see people you were friends with as a teen and you’re like “wow they got really old” and then you’re like oh no
You know you’ve really messed up when your teen stops you mid sentence with “Dude. No” then follows it up with “Duuuuuude. Stop”
Vaccines in Australia are called emunizations.
Burger King is preparing to introduce a new turkey burger. Pigeons are beginning to disappear.
They’re playing loud country music outside the liquor store.
Like that’s going to dissuade me.
Drinking wheatgrass juice is a great way to know what being a lawnmower tastes like.
Just met up with my heroine dealer. Got three Wonder Womans and a She-Ra.
CLERK: That’ll be 95 cents.
ME: Here’s a dollar.
CLERK: Nickel back?
ME: God, no.
Based on the amount of tools I’ve dated, you’d think I got a deal at The Home Depot
Failure isn’t an option? Just watch me.
god: call them deer
angel: ok. what do they look like
god: eh pretty normal
angel: ok
god: [suddenly] put a tree on its face
me: *barges into the room*
how dare you accuse me of eavesdropping!