@so_amused

Interviewer: “Are you proficient with Microsoft Office?”
Interviewee: “Word.”

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@sixfootcandy

My husband and I had a few cocktails while we were out shopping and don’t remember what we bought the kids. I’m so excited to see what we got them on Christmas morning.

@mondaypunday

Human: we have a color named after you!
Salmon: really? is it silvery blue like my outsides?
Human: no, uh–
Salmon: wait why is it pink?
Human: …
Salmon: WHY IS IT PINK

@GabbbarSingh

People with Swiss bank accounts are often confused between their Bank balance and the Back Account number.

@TaranKillam

Having kids means you’ll have a lot of interrupted conversa–

@kelkulus

“It’s not you, it’s me.” – Identical twins arguing over a photo.

@BDGarp

There’s plenty of fish in the sea except when you’re fishing, or single.

@RealPrincessKim

Not sure why bigots think gay sex is wrong, all, “Sex is for procreation!” I thought Ke$ha was proof that people can be conceived anally.

@robin_991

I accidentally threw garbage in the mall Public Library return bin with a large “Not Garbage” sign and before I had time to feel bad, my boyfriend yelled
AHA SUCK IT, NERDS!
and that’s how he gets the bestest sex.

@Brianhopecomedy

I smiled and waved at my neighbour so I bet the first thing she’ll do today is buy bedroom curtains.