Interviewer: “Are you proficient with Microsoft Office?”
Interviewee: “Word.”
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True?
WIFE: That won’t work
ME [planting bird seed] do you want a bird or not, Linda?
Restaurant chain commercials should run the disclaimer “Actual food might not tumble and splash in slow motion”.
if you mesopotamia, you better cleanupotamia
Selfies are just sad reminders that you have no friends willing to take pictures of your face and cleavage.
me: so… you want to come back to my place? *bites bottom lip*
her: don’t bite my lip
the worst part of homeschooling is when my kid shoves me into a locker in front of all the cheerleaders
Worst part of my old job was drug screenings. Had to tell a guy he was pregnant. Lesson: don’t use your girlfriend’s urine for testing.
You don’t scare me. You’re not my mom saying, “I’m gonna tell your father” after she found out I broke the TV.
I’m not upset that you stopped my sneeze. I’m upset because you made my face look stupid for no reason.
Pretty sure that “Willy Wonka & the Chocolate Factory” is the kid’s version of “Saw”.
2008- This Master’s degree is going to change my life!
2019- I’ve got the worst pajamas in this dollar store.
me: dating is hard, lot of weirdos out there
me on a date: you need three people to have a true staring contest with a hammerhead shark
Just try to look at your shoes the same way ever again,your welcome.
Lost the library card. Been missing over a month.
Went and got a new library card.
Came home, put library card in a safe place and found old library card in the same spot.
Her ~ That smells expensive what is it?
Me ~ Kerosene…
Great Canadian literature.
I react to seeing a pizza the way most women react when they see a baby. It makes me want another one of my own.
Practicing safe sax
In China the labels read, “Made by someone you know.”
Very proud of how these turned out. I bought them from a store like a normal person.
Once a lady asked me to guess her age. I don’t like playing this game but she insisted. I gave her a good look, estimated her age, and subtracted 10 years just to be safe. “37” I said. Well for a 26 yo she threw quite the fit.
Anyway the lesson here is don’t smoke cigarettes.
When I share any information about my twenties with my kids, I preface it with “back when the dinosaurs were all still puppies,” and they just accept this.
Roses are red
Vodka is clear
Shit got wild last night
I should stick to beer
Saw a man at the beach screaming, “SAVE ME..I’m drowning”.
I instantly uploaded
his pic, captioned “1 like = 100 prayers” on facebook..!!
INTERVIEWER: this says u work well with otters. Did u mean others?
ME (shoving a romp of otters back into my briefcase): haha yeah of course
Don’t bring a knife to a gun fight. Also, no outside food, they are so strict about that.
“Daddy, I want to watch Dora.” Sweetie this is Dora. It’s the one where she plays an NBA basketball game against the Brooklyn Nets
Don’t talk to me unless you are a ham sandwich.
The mailman told my husband he banged every woman on the block, except for 1, I told him it had to be Carol next door, she’s really not friendly