Interviewer: Biggest weakness?
Me: The delusions
Interviewer: Like what?
Me: Sometimes I think I’m being interviewed
Bus driver: where are your pants?
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A big storm is coming & everyone’s buying bread, milk, and eggs. Apparently you battle bad weather with French Toast.
Why is my kitchen floor so gross I just mopped like 3 months ago.
Is it me or do the unread books in the bookstore just seem shinier than the unread books at home?
ME, 10: I want a big mansion
ME, 20: I want a cool apartment
ME, 30: I want a small hut that stands on chicken legs & has been hidden away deep in the forest
[first day as an Orderly]
*gets fired for disorderly conduct*
[Bumps into old school friend]
Him: Haven’t seen you for years!
Me: I know!
Him: Good to see you man
Me: You too!
Him: We should meet up
Me: Definitely
Him: We won’t though
Me: No way
Him: I’ll never see you again
Me: I wanna run away
Him: See you around
Me: Bye forever!
[Swiss bank]
ME: I’d like to take out a loan
CASHIER: Okay, what kind?
ME: A tober
CASHIER: what?
ME: A toberloan
CASHIER: Are you trying to say Toblerone?
ME: …toberloan
Liam Neeson stars as an evil owner of a haunted cemetery in a creepy new Halloween thriller. His catch phrase is “I have a particular set of skulls.”
nothing turns on a necrophiliac detective like cold, hard evidence
me: orders ice cream from grubhub
driver: makes 12 stops before my house
You’re a cunt. Maybe that’s why you’re alone.
A sex boycott sounds fun and all but have you ever tried marriage?
On the list of things I fear the most, “death” comes in as a close second to “audience participation”
I HAVE DECIDED TO MAKE A CONSCIOUS DECISION NOT TO HAVE MY MIND “BLOWN” ANYMORE. IF DINOSAURS COME BACK & I SEE ONE I’LL JUST BE LIKE “GOOD”
-commercial break-
Husband: *silent*
-fight scene-
Husband: *completely and utterly silent*
-quiet dialogue scene-
Husband: so let me tell you about the history of rockets
Everything sounds good when you’re not listening.
Jesus: [walking past a pond]
[A herd of hungry ducks begins waddling behind him]
Jesus: [starts walking faster]
Things will be fine, eventually, in thousands of years, for rocks
My childhood left me with unreal expectations about how often I would see pies used as weapons.
I feel so bad for my cat, he’s sitting by the door crying out for this cat and her baby (that are on the opposite side) The same cat I caught him with the night he snuck out, but sweetheart you have been neutered for a year+ she is lying, that is not your baby
The corona virus should mutate into something nice for a change
what’s wrong babe? you haven’t touched your shrekfast yet
my brain: eat
me: okay, what should we make
my brain: no make, only eat
Since finding a huge spider in my slipper I now keep em on a chair cuz my little brain decided spiders don’t like chairs.
*pretends to get an urgent text so I can turn around after I notice I’m walking in the wrong direction*
The only reason I’m on LinkedIn is to find employed dates for the weekends.
I love my kids but sometimes I wish the school bus would pick them up at 4:30 p.m. on Sunday.
Girl i dated had an outside cat who really liked me & one day when i went out for a smoke there was a bird heart placed on the wall where i usually sat. Cat was scoping me to see if i liked my gift so i did that move where you pretend to eat it so she didnt think i was ungrateful
My husband thinks he can just order me around like he’s one of the cats.
The cat hair really brings out the notes of fruit and cedar doesn’t it
– Me, if you’re drinking wine at my house