Interviewer: Can we call your former employer for a reference?
Me: Not if you’re considering me for the job.
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Weekends in your 20’s: Making rash decisions
Weekends in your 40’s: Googling rashes
I remember the first time I saw a McDonald’s “Free refills on same visit only” sign on their soft drink fountain. Shaking my head, I thought, some people are so damn cheap, while grabbing as many napkins and ketchup packets as I could hold.
Some DUMBFUCK put chicken nuggets, on tinfoil, in microwave. Microwave on fire. Building evacuating.
*wipes prints off microwave handle*
A fun thing to do on a first date is to slip into conversation that you were homeschooled then immediately be baffled by a fork.
There are no pants in heaven.
i’m at the bar pushing pint glasses off the edge like a cat until the bartender sprays me with a water bottle
Please send thoughts and prayers to my cats, they shall surely never recover from the sound of the popcorn maker
my grandma just asked me if i had a boyfriend and i was like “no” and she was like “well i went to a random funeral because i was bored and that’s how i met your grandfather” ??????
Rock bottom implies the existence of paper bottom and scissors bottom.
Sometimes if I trip on a crack I act like it’s no biggie by breaking into a jog and don’t stop until I’m in a new city with a new life.
Has anyone seen my jacket? It’s white with sleeves that make you hug yourself and a cute belt.
me: that girl and i used to have a little fling.
friend: what happened?
me: it got stuck in a tree.
FYI, you don’t have to be a waiter in order to go in a restaurant and wander from table to table asking people, “How’s everything tasting”
Before you start pushing and shoving “older” folks in a crowd, remember Gen X perfected the mosh pit, and you’re gonna be in for more than you bargained for
*getting a deli sandwich*
person making sandwich: only 1 piece of cheese?
me: yes
person: u can have 3 pieces of cheese for the same price
me: that’s ok I’m good
person: it’s FREE cheese tho
me: I don’t want that much cheese
person: *yelling* ITS FREE CHEESE
Married conversation is like regular conversation except you’re both brushing your teeth.
My daughter asked me what it’s like to be a parent, so I woke her up at 3 AM to let her know that I couldn’t sleep.
Imagine you’re fine, minding your own business and then someone offers you a 50$ gift card and you end up spending 400$
TV Anchor: I don’t have my Halloween costume yet but it’s going to be cool and wet!
Me: Wow you go girl!
TVA: turning to weather…
M: Oh…
It’s no coincidence that Monday and Murder both start with M.
Him: You need to ease up on always picking out the things I do wrong
Me: You make it sound like I do it all the time!
Him: Even when I’m doing good, you have to find a mista…
Me: “Well”…when you’re doing “well”
Him:
Me: Go on…
“Are you already hot as shit? Then you’ll look hot as shit in our glasses” – Every glasses ad
How to make friends as an adult:
1. Say “we should hang!”
2. Do not hang.
3. Say “we should hang!” 6 months later.
4. Cancel.
5. Reschedule.
6. Respect their cancelation.
7. Reschedule.
8. Actually hang.
9. Say “we should do this more often!”
10. Die.
Every Liam Neeson movie now is just him talking on the phone then killing people, right?
*sees monster truck
*waves torch at it and chases it with a pitchfork
What I ask my husband to buy:
Milk. Just milk.What he hears:
Some chocolate, doughnuts and trifles. Oh and milk.
My retirement plan is to become a cat.
High school teachers: “Your college profs aren’t going to be as lenient as we are.”
College profs: “Sorry I’m late I didn’t want to come.”
(Job Interview)
Interviewer: So, tell me about yourself.
Me: I’m unemployed.
I: How about something personal?
Me: Personally I need a job.