interviewer: can you explain the 5 year gap in your resumé
me: yes
interviewer: are you going to?
me: no
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I’m in my 40s and know all the right mauves.
~ Me, flirting
Imagine if Trump becomes President and we are invaded by aliens.
Alien: Take us to your leader.
America: *Looks ashamed* Are you sure?
2 years ago, I called up a friend and left a message, she called me back today. I’m not kidding.
Yes, Barbie gave us unrealistic body standards. But she also gave us unrealistic expectations about boyfriends being willing to wear matching neon outfits and rollerblade with you.
God: you’re my son
Jesus: do I have super powers 😀
God: you can turn water to wine, walk on water, uh bread
Jesus: :/
God: …fish
Jesus: so who’s my enemy
God: Satan. he has shapeshifting, fire, rock n roll, charm
Jesus: wow that’s cool 🙁
God: oh he’s super duper cool
I wouldn’t say I want to write a book so much as I want to have written a book
Netflix: are you still watching?
Me: yes
Netflix: lmao it’s cancelled
If you leave our home after a visit we will stand on the porch and wave until you drive out of sight because that’s how we were raised, by maniacs.
I texted my wife “Hey” and she texted back “It’s on the dresser.”
Me: I forbid you to go!
Her: What was that?
Me: You heard me! I said, “I’d really appreciate it if you’d reconsider!”
Judge: you’ve been charged with assault
Batman: you mean battery
Judge: no it was physical assault
Batman: *whispers* batsault
The Vatican just deleted all the Pope’s tweets. Because NO ONE denies reality like the Catholic Church.
I’m going to buy a house near the St. Louis Airport and paint “Welcome to chicago” on my roof to confuse people who are about to land.
Me: The wedding cake is a stack of 50 pancakes I have frosted. Each layer represents people you slept with prior to meeti-*mic gets cut off*
Seems like I can’t even sit on a park bench anymore without someone’s henchman sneaking by to swap briefcases
My 10 year old just told his friend I’m cranky cus I have my “pyramid”.
if harambe happened today it would be like the 40th thing down in the news. it wouldn’t even make the ticker
“My great-grandma went to jail for making moonshine” was probably not the family history topic my son’s teacher expected.
“nice dog or cat or baby or whatever” i offer politely, my eyes scanning the room for the taco dip. “was it expensive?”
[at lunch with friend]
Friend: … but you didn’t hear that from me.
Me: [looking up from my phone] Hear what?
Friend: Exactly *winks*
If you feel yourself getting bored because you’ve spent too much of your day in bed, just roll to the other side. It’s like a fresh start
If you turn the ceiling fan on high enough, you don’t have to sweep.
Most accidents happen within a 2 block radius of your home. That is why I park my car 3 blocks away and walk. Can never be too safe.
[dog catches me bringing a box of fireworks in the house]
Me: Oh hey buddy, this isn’t what it looks like, okay.
The 5 Love Languages
Physical Touch: my loneliness is killing me
Words of Affirmation: I must confess I still believe
Quality Time: When I’m not with you I lose my mind
Gift Giving: give me a sign
Acts of Service: hit me baby one more time
I may not be perfect, but at least my cat loves m—oh he’s just hungry nvm
Cat doesn’t realize if he succeeds in tripping me on the way downstairs to feed him, we all die.
Stegosaurus: We’re getting reports of a huge asteroid. A global killer. We need a volunteer deep-core driller to destroy it
T-Rex: As the world’s best deep-core driller, I will save us all
[cut to T-Rex furiously trying to pick up the detonator he dropped]
“Invisible Woman” just followed me.
I did not see that coming.
Please, my pastrami on rye. It’s very sick.