interviewer: can you explain these gaps in your resume?
me: umm I believe those are from the space bar
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suddenly remembered when I explained updog to my father and he didn’t even blink, just said “oh, we had something like that when I was a kid, a henway”
“what’s a henway?”
“about five pounds”
“I wouldn’t.”
My wife sighed from the other room, which can mean one of 2,639 things.
A guy in my class stopped me today as I was walking out and said “I gotta show you this girl she’s your literal twin” and then showed me my own Instagram
When you win a game of monopoly the owner of Hasbro shows up to hand you back the last 36 hours of your life.
My 5yo is demanding I tell him where he lived when mommy and daddy were kids
As someone who got the J&J shot last week, so far my only side effect has been the ability to control geese with my mind
If I learned anything from Peter Pan, it’s that I can leave my dog to watch my kids while I go out and party.
genie: and for your third wish?
me: that you fall in love with me
[later]
me: hey babe, our anniversary’s coming up and here’s my wish list
[At the job interview]
“Why did you leave your last job?”
“They took a vote.”
In the next Mad Max movie instead of fighting over gasoline they should be fighting over toilet paper.
Autocorrect can suck a bag of docks
sperm bank employee: is he [ear to the wall] is he listening to the full house theme song
Guys in motorcycle clubs should have to go door to door like Mormon missionaries.
I don’t really wanna join but I’d like to be asked
What happens when you build a house on top of an old cemetery for accordion players?
You have a polkageist.
Whenever I leave a fancy restaurant, I like to tell the diners coming in “I recommend the tandoori cat.”
Random person outside of Target: is it ok if I pray for you?
Me: sure! While you’re at it can you pray they never find the knife and blood soaked clothes I buried? Kthanks!
Me: *giggling* No you hang up first..
Pizza hut: Sir, please stop doing this..
Wife and daughter are doing a Friends marathon. It’s on 24/7.
No one told me life was gonna be this way.
Fellow senior citizens:
If a young person replies “dead” to your joke, they liked it.
You don’t need to push your lifealert button.
Lawyer: You’re looking at life without parole
Client: [Breaks down crying]
Lawyer: Hey it’s ok I’ve never had a parole either
me after creating anything: i want the whole world to see this
brain: even people who know you?
me: oh god no
why is everyone concerned about dying alone i don’t even want people to see me eating spaghetti
The next person to take my tweets seriously is getting $500
First person to see an eclipse: SHIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIII…oh okay
“You’re just not my cup of tea” I say to someone else’s cup of tea.
me, on the phone: haha hail satan what’s up
god: still me you didn’t click over
Our neighbour always gets my wife’s name wrong, so she started doing the same to him. She apologises and says English names “are challenging to remember” and “am I saying it right?”. His name is Ken