Interviewer: can you explain this gap in your resume
Me: ugh yeah the spacing wouldn’t format properly
Interviewer: OMG I hate that
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What if babies cry on airplanes because they are expecting to get eaten. “Here comes the airplane,” indeed
*waits until you fall asleep*
*tests out his new retractable air horn*
Me: “Your baby looks just like you.”
-“Thank you!”
Me: “Funny you took that as a compliment but ok.”
Day drinking poolside. There’s literally nothing that could ruin this moment.
“MOMMY WATCH THIS!”
Do guys with big trucks realize the only big trucks women find sexually attractive are food trucks?
Chivalry is just the study of green onions right?
[a boomerang is thrown at me]
me: oh no holy frickin crap !
[one second later]
me: (toughly) …ok yeah that’s what i THOUGHT
If I had 3 wishes I’d spend them on my daughter.
Happiness, success and her very own little shithead who refuses to replace the TP roll.
In 6th grade I had an ugly pimple on my nose that left a scar and I told my friend I got bitten by a spider…dude called me Batman because he didn’t know shit about comics
Bear attack by generation:
Boomer – kill bear level forest into a mall parking lot
Gen x – climb tree build fort
Gen y – wait for helicopter Gen. x parent to fix it
Gen z – die doing bear makeover for insta
If you’re not going to offer booze at your wedding, at least have the decency to provide a wifi password.
step 6: release the wall snake
GOD- “I will send a plague that will kill all living things on earth”
*Fish slip the LORD a $20*
“On second thought how about a flood?”
People: it’s important to limit your children’s screen time
School System: y’all heard about virtual learning?
One time I was talking to a really cute med student, we were flirting and laughing and it all looked promising. Then I sat down on a chair and it collapsed under me and shattered.
Anyway that was 26 years ago and I haven’t sat down since.
“I’m disguising all my tweets as Marilyn Monroe quotes from now on.”
-Marilyn Monroe
The digits of your phone number tell you what you need in that order:
1. Booze
2. Drugs
3. Wealth
4. Popularity
5. Health
6. Jesus
7. We’ve been through this before
8. You know where I’m going with this?
9. Well then, let me remind you.
0. You’re.. An.. Say it with me.. Idiot..
if you think the last 12 months dragged on, just think how your dog feels. he’s probably sick of having you home for the 7 years
I ripped my pants and had to sew them back up.
Britches love stitches.
If our bodies are the result of “intelligent design,” explain sneezes.
I’ll wait.
Me: Who called it a religious pilgrimage instead of a roamin’ Catholic?
Salesman: So, I’ll just assume you want the extended warranty.
My husband is volunteering to dress as the grim reaper and walk around stores where the folx are leisurely shopping and chatting.
Amazing coincidence how the things I agree with are objectively true and the things I disagree with aren’t
Still the funniest sequence of tweets I have ever seen
When you have the opportunity to become a bigger person, take it because cake is delicious.
Joan of Arc was great, but nothing compared to her sister, Joan of Circumference, who was a much more rounded person.
Didn’t think the neighbors would notice the new bush, but this note asking me to wear pants suggests otherwise
There was romance over dinner last night.
Me to my husband: If we weren’t married, I’d marry you based on these potatoes.
If my wife takes any longer to get ready to go out, she’ll need to go and shave her legs again!!