interviewer: can you explain this gap in your resume
me: yes that’s when i didn’t have a job
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DNA doesn’t make you a parent. Stepping on a lego guy on your way to the bathroom at 3 am does
AT&T had a nationwide outage, giving kids an authentic 1900s experience.
I highly recommend anything.
– Stoners.
[opening day at fast food place]
manager: all the orders in?
employee: yes.
manager: the electrical all set?
employee: yes.
manager: and the chairs. do they grate loudly against the floors?
employee: yes.
manager: perfect. we’re ready.
I was just published in Science Fiction Bin Monthly, the only sci-fi magazine that’s printed and then immediately thrown in a dumpster. You can read my story in this month’s issue, but you’ll have to fight a raccoon for it.
They say don’t dress for the job you have, but for the job you want. Still, I think I look pretty stupid waiting tables in a spacesuit.
Catering service
Co-worker: *tells story*
Me: I’m so sorry to hear that.
CW: What? It’s not a bad story.
Me: No, I’m just really sorry I had to hear it.
Mom 1: That’s my little boy on first base
Mom 2: Mine’s pitching.
Me: That’s my son spinning around in the outfield singing “Let it Go”.
dad: snapping a pic of your grandma in her coffin is weird
me: it’s socially acceptable these days
dad: just hurry up so we can put her back in the ground
“Pardon me. Might I murder you with my musket? Yes? Excellent news, kind sir!” – The Very Civil War
Red light : Stop
Yellow light : Proceed w/ caution
Green light : Wait till everyone hates you then go
I think more people would subscribe to Twitter Blue if we could edit other people’s tweets
I saw Mommy kissing Santa Claus.
Then I saw her arguing with him about money.
Now I see Santa drinking by himself.
me: i’ll have the steak
waiter: this is a vegan restaurant
me: ok i’ll have the vegan
Ever worry that spiders have 8 slippers to slap you with?
Roses are red
Violets are blue
I need another cup of coffee
And a donut, too.
Coworker: Guess what I’m doing this weekend.
Me: No
Husband: wanna have a quickie?
Me: As opposed to what?
At least the first 6 months of January is almost over.
the boston alphabet is only 25 letters because they threw the t in the harbor
Yoga class instructor: Welcome. Uhh why are you carrying a lightsaber?
Me: Misread the brochure I have.
Charlie Brown can only afford the one outfit because he works for peanuts.
The contents of my son’s last diaper was so upsetting to both of us we shared a cigarette after I changed it.
Doc: How’d you get these scars all over your legs?
Me: Dorito crumbs in the bed.
[Toothpaste Laboratory]
Dentist 1: Yes
Dentist 2: Yes
Dentist 3: Yes
Dentist 4: Yes
Dentist 5: Not so fast…
my cat has the hiccups and he’s trying to lick his own belly and every time he hiccups he looks around like who the hell did that
Me: I’ll start laundry at 6:00.
Also me: Well, it’s 6:02, so it’s too late to start laundry now.
Me: I refuse to believe that year 2004 was 30 years ago
Them: it wasn’t
Me: that’s what I just said