Interviewer: Can you explain this space on your resume?
Neil Armstrong: …yes.
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Jokes on you TSA my body is 70% water and I just snuck it onto the plane
Meanwhile in Heaven…
Steve Jobs: [demonstrating device] You can listen to hymns, download prayers, create prayerlists, and manage your souls. I call it the iGod.
At the intermission of musicals there should be a very short football game
I forgot my therapist’s name so I just call him Dude
Update my mom has decided that my peanut butter intake is too high so she has hidden all the peanut butter. Little does she know I went to the store and bought more and while I was hiding it I found the other hidden container. Double peanut butter. Game on Amy.
[returning toothpaste]
Yeahhh, this didn’t hold my husband’s teeth together at all.
Sorry kids, if Santa were real he’d have a podcast by now
Mugger: Gimme yer wallet & don’t do nuthin dumb
Me: That’s a double negative, my friend. Unlike Romance languages, English – hey, come back
Of course I have a picture of my kids. Let me find a good one.
* frantically scrolling through 8000 pictures of my dog sleeping
whenever i watch the tv show Friends, i imagine im the seventh friend, Dirk, who just stays home while all his friends do stuff without him
criminal: oh no it’s lobster man
lobster man: [quickly sidestepping around them] move one inch and you get the pinch
criminal: [takes out rubber bands]
lobster man: oh god no
yes, we are a highly diverse company. susan in accounts is a goth
How good looking am I? Put it this way, if a hot girl adds on social media
I know it’s a scam
Tried to touch my husband’s face and he tattled on me to his mother.
Me: *crying* B-but… but you said…
Waiter: *sigh* “Unlimited” breadsticks, I know ma’am, but we’re closing now & you have to go
Welcome to my home! No you’re mistaken, it isn’t a mess, it’s just gallery-style so you can see everything we own at once. Watch your step.
GOD: let’s give them sinus cavities that fill up with snot and make their face hurt
ANGEL: all the time?
GOD: no just when they’re sick and also when they try to enjoy nice things like flowers and outside
ANGEL: why?
GOD: you keep saying that word
The tooth fairy audits you if you have a gap between your teeth.
The Middle Ages were rough because in addition to famines and plagues you had to deal with getting armor for your horse
I start opening a delivered package before I even get back inside and my wife can let her packages sit unopened on the table for a week. Which one needs therapy?
“Your son’s been involved in a shenanigan”
What kinda shenanigans?
“It was just one shenanigan”
You called me down here for one shenanigan?
[Duck support group]
“After i lost Barbara I was doing bread 5, maybe 6 times a day”
*the other ducks nod sympathetically*
Sometimes I open my dog’s giant food bag with a knife so she is impressed with my kibble hunting skills.
I switched to brown eggs but can barely taste the chocolate. Huge disappointment.
When you don’t understand how floors work
After I use the restroom, I thoughtfully put the seat back down and also close the lid and place a heavy object on top to contain any intruding snakes.
Here we go again. #MAsnow ❄️
me, sober: ugh, i’m never leaving my house again, people are trash.
me, after 3 beers: *on a megaphone* ATTENTION EVERYONE IN MY NEIGHBORHOOD I WOULD LIKE TO PAY YOUR ELECTRICITY BILL THIS MONTH
I finally found a machine at work that I like: the coffee machine.
Still looking for the Christmas presents I hid last year.