Interviewer: can you tell me about a time when you succeeded?
Me: (nods and looks out the window contemplatively) no
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Anytime my husband upsets me, I just add more shampoo bottles to our shower. Currently, there’s 47.
Angel of Death: I have killed the firstborn of Egypt
God: Killed?! You were supposed to “thrill” them! You know, take them out for a night on the town
Angel of Death: But…but…
God: Hahaha, you should see your face. No I definitely wanted those kids dead
My cat killed a mouse, walked away and looked back at me. I don’t feel safe anymore.
People choosing to not hang their laundry out to dry anymore is why I’m having a hard time improving my wardrobe.
[Mad scientist lamenting]
“All that work, trying to create
a perfect palindrome ..wasted!DAMMIT I’M MAD !”
(Pauses)
“Hey…wait
Why be just a part of the solution when you can be the whole problem?
[first day as a flight attendant]
Pilot: tell them we’re descending
Me: THE PLANE IS GOING DOWN
Pilot: wtf take it back they’ll panic
Me: WE ARE STAYING UP HERE FOREVER
going to rock bottom do you guys need anything
I bet when the first guy wore glasses everybody was like “Oh la de da, excuse me Mr. I Need TWO Monocles.”
My dad wrote me an unusually sweet and detailed text about how proud he is of me and my accomplishments and it’s so nice to see that even at his age he’s learned how to use ChatGPT
Just witnessed a white girl take a selfie with her coffee in Starbucks. I always heard the legends but never thought I’d see it in the wild.
Wife: can you pick up milk?
Me: [lifts gallon] yea it’s easy
Wife: I mean from the store
Me: I would imagine it weighs the same there too
A small part of me is filled with self-loathing for how much pizza I can eat in one sitting. The rest of me is filled with pizza.
*watches man fall off of bridge on TV..
“Bartender, can you get me that drunk?”
Q: “How long were you at your last job?”
A: “Seven-and-a-half inches… same as now”
There are two types of people, those who are clueless about their kids’ schedules and the other who plan it down to the minute. And they end up marrying each other
I’ve been making my own bread every single day for two weeks now and I finally understand why people always look so miserable in historic photos.
[gets cut off in traffic]
my friend, you’ve made a very powerless & easily distracted enemy
Who called it an allergist and not an antisneeziologist?
My 10yo got a “30 Days of Self-Care” calendar from school with activities she’s supposed to do each day of the month and my self-care activity is ignoring it.
I have a kidney to donate. It’s not mine, so I don’t know much about it.
I’m not technically a lawyer but I do have 3 court cases next week.
As a man of means, I eat expensive beans.
As a man of class, I blame dogs for the gas.
As a man of men, I eat the beans again…
Wife: Give me $50
Me: Can’t, it’s all tied up in our long-term investment strategy
W: Eh?
M: Gave it all to a psychic for next week’s winning lottery numbers
W: IDIOT
M: Knew she was good, that’s exactly what she predicted you’d say!
W: I despise you
I accidentally threw garbage in the mall Public Library return bin with a large “Not Garbage” sign and before I had time to feel bad, my boyfriend yelled
AHA SUCK IT, NERDS!
and that’s how he gets the bestest sex.
me: [selects “send verification code as text” on a website]
me three seconds later: oh boy a tex mesage
Professor X: what’s your superpower?
Me: I’m half horse, half Isaac Newton
Professor X: oh… ok. listen, we don’t have any openings right now bu-
Me: they call me The Centaur of Gravity
Professor X: welcome aboard
so disappointed after seeing this photo & realizing that’s a third llama in the back & not the arm of the right llama ringing a little bell
japanese corn
Which is your favorite Duran? Duran or Duran?