interviewer: can you type fast?
me: yes, that and SEVERAL other words
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I take advice from crows because their core strategy of screaming at things and flying away really tracks.
“Doctor: Put the IV in.
Nurse: The 4 what?”
– chronic problem in Roman emergency rooms
If you’ve ever wanted to change up your name, now’s the time. New name, add a name, doesn’t matter. When you go back to work, it’ll be all Yeah, Tom, I’m pretty sure my last name’s always been Twizzlers.
Pro Tip : Give the person interviewing you “something to remember” doesn’t means giving them a bite mark.
How was your day?
-You know in Die Hard when he runs barefoot over broken glass?
That bad?
-Oh no. It’s just a cool scene. My day was decent
cake decorator: do you want an exclamation point after “happy birthday”?
me: no, my son wanted more of a somber motif for his sixth birthday
my wife and I do this Batman role play where I disappear mid conversation like with Commissioner Gordon
My sisters made me watch their kids last night. At one point all six of them were crying, but I just kept rap battling them one by one.
My 3 yr old is so encouraging. I changed my shirt; she says”Daddy, you did it!” If she finds out I use the potty by myself, she’ll flip out.
You can’t spell fries without friends. I guess what I’m saying is that fries are friends. Delicious friends.
It’s been almost six years since my first child was born, and three years from my second. I’m about to attempt a feat I haven’t dared for as long.
I’m about to put on a white shirt.
[at movie theatre]
Wife: Shhhhhhhhhhh
Son: …
Daughter: …
Me (whispers): …it
Wearing pigtails to relive my youth and scare men when I turn around.
Me: I DON’T HAVE TO TAKE THIS FROM YOU!
Nurse: It’s customary to hold your newborn, sir
Dog pissed about wearing cone after surgery. Dog spends night banging cone against walls, keeping human awake.
Dog-1
Human-0
me when I get my period: why am I eating & crying so much? is my depression worsening? What if im dying??? Omg im dying this is how I die. I die soon.
me later that night: dude ur not dying this is literally what ur period is. every single time.
*next period*
why am I eating & cr
When I think how often I drop things on my feet, my childhood dream of owning a Lightsaber may have been catastrophic
my mom: fix this for me
also my mom: no, not like that
still my mom: it’s not working
mom: wait it is now
Tinder date: Do you have any religious beliefs?
Me: *Motions vaguely in the direction of the refrigerator*
At my funeral I want a magician to saw my coffin in half or I’m not going.
*pointing at a mothers shrieking baby* is this guy bothering you?
Me: I’m sorry, this toilet isn’t flushing.
Home Depot employee: …
4: When can I wear 13 shirts?
Me: When you live in NYC and get in an argument with your roommate and decide to put on all of his clothes
When you say “You’re going to hate me for this” you’re making a very large assumption that I don’t hate you already
Just this preview of the story is enough
Life Hack: Get a dog and a cat and name them Resident and Occupant. Now that junkmail isn’t annoying, it’s adorable.
wife: Why are there little handprints all over the wall?
me [whispers] Why are there little handprints all over the wall?
toddler [whispers] Because I have small hands
me: Because he has small hands
Who wants to be my Valentine?
Do I have a plan for the zombie apocalypse? I don’t even have a battery in my smoke detector and fire is real.
I’m telling you to go to hell because I’m poor. If I was rich I would kill you.