@mrjohndarby
@ValeeGrrl 4pm
Me: How was school today?
Kid: …6pm
Me: Do anything fun today?
Kid: …Bedtime
Me: Goodnight!
Kid: Guess what happened at school?
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@ValeeGrrl 
@dubiousrhetoric if u hurt ur leg u can use the frozen veggies at whole foods as ice packs 4 free. hold on im getting an update from the manager. no u cannot
@3sunzzz [Halloween]
Me: How adorable! I love your ghost costume!
14: *sigh* I AM NOT A GHOST! I’M SHEET-FACED.
@SladeWentworth Let’s normalize using the term “Cooking Wine” to refer to the wine we drink while cooking.
@TheAlexNevil My lack of exercise is really catching up to me. Now it’s passing me. Wow, my lack of exercise is in great shape.
@Helen_KelIer Do I look like Christopher Columbus? Am I guiding a ship to a new land? So, when I ask for directions, please don’t use words like “East.”
@MichaelTrying “I maintain an elaborate system of thousands of solar panels, but once a year I throw them away because screw it I’ll make more.”
-Trees
@noahdonotcare “what does your tattoo mean” i had money and nobody stopped me
@Grommit56 Would an Egyptian doctor who specializes in the spine be called a Cairopractor?
He really should be.
@Kyle_Lippert Have girl problem? Feel bad for you son. I live in Russia. Have 99 problems. Bear ate car. Wife ate bear. Son ate wife. I eat son now?