@mrjohndarby
@truegritrumble MORPHEUS: April fools!
NEO: ?
M: There’s no Matrix.
N: What?
M: You’ve been drugged, son.
N: WTF
M: We’ve been harvesting your organs.
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@truegritrumble 
@JoParkerBear Texting while driving is incredibly stupid and dangerous. You’re practically begging for typos.
@kenklippenstein I don’t think anyone anticipated this stage of corporate dystopia
@cherryzigzags My dad and I were never that close. The company he worked for once had a “father-son” picnic and he invited his father
@FinallyHeSleeps Just went into a women’s restroom and lifted all the toilet seats.
@chrisscarlette “just great, I’ve lost my house my wife is leaving and my kids hate me how can this day get any worse”
-A dinosaur, 66 million years ago
@UncleDuke1969 The ‘theme’ of every theme park is the need for more effective birth control.
@david8hughes Therapist: what was it like growing up?
Me: I just [reaches for tissues] kept getting taller.
@mikeleffingwell Sorry, “hella” was an inappropriate word choice. I was trying to be cool. I’ll rephrase: Your son is totally missing.
@TheHyyyype My wife always tells me not to take things personally, so I hired a guy to do it for me. He already stole a bike.