interviewer: can you type fast?

me: yes, that and SEVERAL other words

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MORPHEUS: April fools!
NEO: ?
M: There’s no Matrix.
N: What?
M: You’ve been drugged, son.
M: We’ve been harvesting your organs.


Texting while driving is incredibly stupid and dangerous. You’re practically begging for typos.


My dad and I were never that close. The company he worked for once had a “father-son” picnic and he invited his father


“just great, I’ve lost my house my wife is leaving and my kids hate me how can this day get any worse”

-A dinosaur, 66 million years ago


The ‘theme’ of every theme park is the need for more effective birth control.


Therapist: what was it like growing up?
Me: I just [reaches for tissues] kept getting taller.


Sorry, “hella” was an inappropriate word choice. I was trying to be cool. I’ll rephrase: Your son is totally missing.


My wife always tells me not to take things personally, so I hired a guy to do it for me. He already stole a bike.