@mrjohndarby

interviewer: can you type fast?

me: yes, that and SEVERAL other words

You Might Also Like

@ValeeGrrl

4pm
Me: How was school today?
Kid: …

6pm
Me: Do anything fun today?
Kid: …

Bedtime
Me: Goodnight!
Kid: Guess what happened at school?

@dubiousrhetoric

if u hurt ur leg u can use the frozen veggies at whole foods as ice packs 4 free. hold on im getting an update from the manager. no u cannot

@3sunzzz

[Halloween]

Me: How adorable! I love your ghost costume!

14: *sigh* I AM NOT A GHOST! I’M SHEET-FACED.

@SladeWentworth

Let’s normalize using the term “Cooking Wine” to refer to the wine we drink while cooking.

@TheAlexNevil

My lack of exercise is really catching up to me. Now it’s passing me. Wow, my lack of exercise is in great shape.

@Helen_KelIer

Do I look like Christopher Columbus? Am I guiding a ship to a new land? So, when I ask for directions, please don’t use words like “East.”

@MichaelTrying

“I maintain an elaborate system of thousands of solar panels, but once a year I throw them away because screw it I’ll make more.”

-Trees

@Grommit56

Would an Egyptian doctor who specializes in the spine be called a Cairopractor?

He really should be.

@Kyle_Lippert

Have girl problem? Feel bad for you son. I live in Russia. Have 99 problems. Bear ate car. Wife ate bear. Son ate wife. I eat son now?