interviewer: can you use word
me: buddy [putting hand on his shoulder] I can use a lot of words
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Who’s this “moderation” character people keep telling me to drink with?
“Oh, you decided to close your bedroom door with me on the outside? Allow me to sing you the song of my people.”
-my cat
When I get naked in front of a man for the first time I never do it slowly and seductively, that would just give him time to get away.
[crowd surfs up to lead singer] can u skip all the stuff from ur new album
KENNEDY: lets keep our affair a secret
MARILYN MONROE: ok i’ll sing happy birthday all sexy & weird at ur bday
K: pls dont
MM: *winking* ok
Married people be like:
[Quarantine, day 3]
It’s been 89 days since I last had sex
*swishing the vaccine around in my arm like it’s a fancy wine*
searching for people who think cologne is spelled colon is my favorite thing to do
I have a great poker face because I have no idea what’s going on.
Sex is great and all but finish your damn Kale!!
“PARTY FOWL” someone yelled as the drunk duck did another keg stand
If your going to insult me at least make me Google it
If you die on the toilet, you die in real life.
I am glad that things are opening up again. Now when I get told to go play in traffic, there actually is traffic.
If I’m murdered, I hope I’m able to write out the killer’s name in blood and then “sucks” underneath
[standing at the hospital nursery window with other new parents]
ME: this zoo is terrible
[business negotiation]
Your reasons for rejecting my offer are valid, gentlemen, but perhaps this will…sweeten the deal.
*sets briefcase on table, opens it to reveal it’s full of strawberry Twizzlers*
Alright. It’s Sunday. Another Breaking Bad. Or if you don’t watch the show, an hour of confusing tweets.
I never answer my door because it’s always someone trying to get me to switch to Verizon or someone trying to get me to switch to God and I’m not interested in either of those services
Went to the doctor the other day, he told me I had to stop lap-dancing. I asked him why and he said, “Because I’m trying to examine you.”
Started saying “see ya next year” to everyone. Seems to really creep people out when they have no idea who the hell you are
Uber is going to choose a new CEO in 4 minutes. Now 5 minutes. Shit now it’s 11 minutes away, why is it going in the opposite direction
Wait. They gave out a Pulitzer Prize for criticism, and my mother didn’t win it?
I’m naming all my children after Instagram filters. Hudson, Walden, Valencia, Kelvin, Brannan, Willow, and the twins, Toaster and 1977.
Thanks for your advice, everyone. It was terrible and almost got me killed. But thanks.
Him: Don’t you think that’s enough Bailey’s in your coffee?
Me: I’m in morning
I don’t think my neighbor knows my rule about not interacting unless we’re both pointing at the same tornado.
Sugar is cheap. I want an avocado daddy.
Horses are a great pet for anyone who’s ever wished their bicycle could make bad choices
I’m close to breaking this whole thing wide open