Interviewer: describe a time when you were asked to do something you were uncomfortable doing and you declined
Me: no
You Might Also Like
I asked Alexa how old Kenny Rogers was when he died. She told me he was 81, and then she said, “Would you also like to know the net worth of Kenny Rogers?” Why the hell would you ask me that, Alexa, am I in the will?
How does a Ninja attack a pig?
Pork Chop.
Got a piece of mail today addressed to “Epic” instead of “Eric” and finally somebody truly gets me.
cop pulling me over: whoa whoa, where are you off to in such a hurry
me: some of your colleagues are chasing me
his wife is probably gonna see that
*first time fishing*
Me: Ok now what
Friend: See that hook? You’re aiming to get that in the mouth
Me: orkay nrow wrhat
“It’s all fun and games until someone loses an i”
– the Pixar Logo
A person’s true character is revealed when the shrimp tray comes out at a party.
If you’ve been talking for 5 minutes straight, it might be someone else’s turn
St. Patrick drove all the snakes out of Ireland. They gave him a great Uber rating.
Why did it have to be the dog? I have the hubby insured for $1.5 million.
I’ve got an adidas tracksuit just in case I gotta whack someone.
One thing I learned in my 20s is if a landlord or real estate agent tells you an apartment has character, they mean roaches
sometimes if i’m having trouble falling asleep i just pretend i’m watching lord of the rings
Whenever I lose my mind, I always look
for it in the refrigerator first
It was to keep our furry overlords content😉
This tape doesn’t even taste like scotch.
Anyone really
Schröedinger: And so it is impossible to determine whether the cat is alive or dead
Possum: *yelling from the back of the room* AMATEUR
Stonehinge
Butterflies are like regular flies, but they live at Paula Deen’s house.
Could you set a lightsaber on low and use it as a back scratcher?
COP: I need to see some ID
ME: [hands him ID]
COP: this isn’t yours
ME: you said “some”
COP: lol wow good point you’re free to go
Whale: Hey did you hear I have a new girlfriend? She’s aaall over me it’s crazy.
Eel: For the last time barnacles don’t count as girlfriends
The first rule of Mormon fight flub is go door to door talking about Mormon fight club .
The moderator on this ‘brainstorming’ conference call emphasized that there were “no dumb ideas,” a claim soundly disproven within the first few minutes of the discussion.
doctor: are you sexually active?
me: buddy, i’m not even regularly active
Me: *screaming along to death-metal*
My child, who I forgot was in the car:
“Pharaoh, we have completed the pyramids. They align to communicate with the galaxy”
Sweet. Hey look at these stupid cats I drew LOL
Her: Is my new concealer working?
Me: Who said that?