interviewer: describe your hero
me: I needed to borrow space in a friend’s freezer but it was full so she ate enough food to make room
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When I win the lottery I’m getting a pool boy, maybe I’ll even get a pool.
Is LSD illegal or just frowned upon? Asking for a giant purple rabbit.
[first date]
her: do u like dogs or cats better
me: [reading menu] what page are u on
Jesus: saw that facebook event “last supper”… looks good but whys it called the “last supper” ?
Judas: oh.. No reason really
I thought a man was in my house.
Turns out the air freshener had just squirted before I walked in.
I never realized how short a month is until I started paying rent
Barista: Latte for Waldo
Barista: Do we have a Waldo here
Barista: Where’s Waldo
Me: *proudly nudging a stranger* I did that
Saw a tweet about foods to help your sex life.
I need sex to help my sex life, not food.
I just literally fell INSIDE a public toilet because I did too many squats earlier and couldn’t control my sitting down. This is the greatest proof I’ve ever had that fitness is not worth the struggle.
My 3yo just had the biggest meltdown and at one point he yelled “I’m going to sneak out of my room in the middle of the night and barricade the kitchen and so nobody in the family can eat food ever again” and I just don’t know. No parenting book could have prepared me for him.
My kids said parenting is easy so I let them put the toddlers socks and shoes on and now everyone is crying.
For lent I gave up eating random crumbs I find on my desk
me: looks like santa came early
santa: this never happens, youre just so hot
Don’t mistake my habit to look down, as modesty.I have a long history of tripping on the most ridiculous things
I’ve just been asked if I’m OK as it looked like I was talking to myself in a pub. I said yes and was just working out a problem out loud about a cancelled train. I was actually talking to a spider.
My wife is constantly hiding things where they belong.
My octopus can beat up your octopus.
*octopus flicks cig*
*octopus flicks cig*
*octopus flicks cig*
*octopus flicks cig*
*octopus flicks cig*
*octopus flicks cig*
*octopus flicks cig*
*octopus flicks cig*“Lets do this.”
[The Last Supper]
Waiter: *grinning slyly* Here’s a 50% off coupon for your next visit.
Interviewer: it says here your interests include connecting people
Me: correcting people, actually
I: no it’s-
Me: i know what it says
if I accidentally respond “you too” after a fast-food clerk tells me to enjoy my meal, I shove some fries in their mouth so it isn’t awkward
I enjoy how fitbit tracks the calories I burn just by being alive. I like getting credit for that.
Where did birds even sit to contemplate life before power lines were invented
Omg what if Nate was short for Nathryn
if Yoda asks for chocolate milk, do you get him a drink or a candy bar???
me: it is lonely at the top.
therapist: yes, but why is it written under ‘ describe your sex life?’
Don’t you find it weird when you go to high five someone and they interlock their fingers with yours and hold it together for a few seconds?
I know you do. That’s why I do it.
[using ouija board]
Why isn’t he responding to us? I’m annoyed
H I A N N O Y E D I M D A D
my life really started to turn around once i had a microwave installed in the bathroom
My doctor won’t go away. I know what you’re thinking but he has been eating small pieces of apple over many decades to build up an immunity.
[On a walk with my dad aka My Parents: A Love Story]
Dad shouting into his phone:
YES I TOOK THE GARBAGE OUT COMMA OUT WALKING NOW COMMA LOVE YOU EXCLAMATION POINT