interviewer: describe yourself in one word
me: great listener
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“Your guess is as good as mine”, I lie, knowing that my guesses will always be superior.
So a baby crawls across the floor to its bottle and it’s cute but when I do it I’m “in need of an intervention”?
A possum broke into an Australian bakery and ate so many pastries it couldn’t move. This is how they found him.
TIM: how are you?
ME: it’s Monday
TIM: yeah
ME: the sun is up
TIM: are u just listing facts?
ME: lettuce is a member of the sunflower family
Capricorn: Next year will be the year you start living like a king. Isolated, paranoid, never sure if anyone’s affections are genuine.
the moral of the Phantom of the Opera is that sometimes there’s this weird guy who is impossible to deal with
The scariest part of packing is making sure you unpacked all the drugs from the last time you traveled
[enter password]
ForrestGump
[password not strong enough]
ForrestGumpAfterHeGrewThatSweetBeard
My pet name for my manhood, for obvious reasons, is Whitesnake…You know, cuz… “Here I go again on my own”.
Humans in sci-fi: Stupid artificial beings LOL. They don’t have FEELINGS, so you can treat them like SHIT
Humans in real life: I put googly eyes on my toaster. His name is James now, and I will protect him with my LIFE
Kids won’t remember they have homework but they’ll remember you promised them Robux if they did their chores for the whole month
It is the year 2047. After making a movie based on every single one of its theme park rides, Disney is forced to make a movie about the line for the Disney World bathroom.
Guy about to write “12 days of christmas:” help i need last minute gifts!
bird keeper: ok hear me out.
I am “cool” and “chill” and “stuck inside the walk in freezer.”
Talking to my sleepy 9 year old and as a joke offered her some of my coffee. She said, “I can’t drink coffee, I’m not an old person yet,” and now I hate everything.
📂 ACME
└📁 Traps
└📁Elaborate traps
└📁 Roadrunner traps
└📁Elaborate roadrunner traps that work
└⚠️ This folder is empty
[COP] license and registration please
[ME] sure thing
°opens glovebox°
°slowly pulls out middle finger°
me: i have a thought
twitter: are you sure you want to choose violence?
[sams club]
ME: {wearing ski mask} This is a robbery!
LADY AT FRONT DOOR: Do you have your membership card?
ME: Uhh, I left it at home.
LADY: I’m sorry sir I can’t let you in.
ME: Please! I’ll be quick.
Me: I think my computer’s broken
Boss: just give it to the IT guy
Me: okay *walks outside and tosses my laptop into the sewer* good luck
Don’t go hunting down relationships or looking for love. Let it find you. Naturally.
You know, like a jogger finding a body on the trails.
Toddlers are like ants only instead of carrying 20x their body weight, they take up 20x their body size in your bed
When you go in the other room I ask your dog what you look like naked.
My three security questions:
1. Name of your first shrink
2. Dosage of your favorite medication
3. Name of Dad’s drag queen persona
doing some research
falsely accusing someone of being a contrarian is absolutely brutal. what can they say to that
Heading out crocodile.
See you another time alligator.
ME: [in santa costume, covered in chimney soot] that was hard. how does santa do it
WIFE: well santas not real, hun
ME: [drops cookie] WHAT
[1st day as chef]
Waiter: table 3 want soufflé
Me [an hour later]: I can do toast, tell them they can have toast, it’s like bread but harder
I hope people don’t turn against my comics after they find out about my extreme religious views (belief that only Italians get into heaven)