Interviewer: “Describe yourself in three words.”
Me: “Efficient.”
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Sure, my bologna has a first name, but he’s a stickler for manners so he insists we still call him Mr. Bologna.
You know what they say, the secret to a good relationship is never going to bed married.
Me: I refuse to believe that year 2004 was 30 years ago
Them: it wasn’t
Me: that’s what I just said
Man at the dog park: Who’s a good girl? WHOSAGOODGIRRRRLLL????
Me: *looks around* *slowly raises hand*
Pre-Having Daughters:
*Hates hearing “NO” from womenPost-Having Daughters:
*Teaches them “NO” in 167 different languages including Klingon
A fun thing to do is scream “JENGA!” and yank a ladder out from under somebody.
Are people l still falling for diet pill schemes?
“Here, take this magical pill with a half gallon of water and you won’t be as hungry, guaranteed!”
Men love me.
Germs fear me.Or vice versa, whatever
“What do we want?”
“Hearing aids.”
“When do we want them?”
“Hearing aids.”
What do you get if you cross a bear and a wolf? You get eaten is what you get. Stop upsetting scary animals.
Me: got my fries just gonna open this packet of ketchup.
Ketchup Packet: haha nope.
Me: come on man please.
Ketchup Packet: use your teeth.
Me: uh what?
Ketchup Packet: use. your. teeth.
Me: ugh fine.
[ketchup explodes everywhere]
Ketchup Packet: lol.
Vegetables: “We need to be stored in special conditions with ideal humidity and temperature.”
Potatoes:
I buy my cat Christmas AND Hanukkah toys, because I’m really not sure what her religious beliefs are.
Hot girls who complain that you can’t get laid… do you live on a deserted island?
My wife and I were looking for something at Walmart when she said “Maybe it’s on the health food aisle” and then we laughed and laughed.
Always a bit depressed when I pass my ex’s house and see that it still hasn’t burned to the ground.
my 10 year old is a school safety and he instructed the 5 year olds where to stand to wait for the bus and one turned to him and said “you’re not my dad!” and another immediately yelled “burrrrrrn!!”
i don’t think we are even close to prepared for this next generation
them: the new Batman film will be totally raw and gritty
me:
The Mastodon crowd doesn’t care for me much. Pretty sure it’s my cologne.
I told my therapist that I thought I had imposter syndrome, but he said only talented people get that. So that’s a relief.
[tv interview]
I’m with Amy. Her house was damaged by the floods, how are you?
[cut to Amy crying]
MORE LIQUID IS THE LAST THING WE NEED AMY
50ME MIALS LLDO IONAT NED
NED
50ME MIALS LLDO IONAT
NED
ARE YOU LISTENING TO ME
Last-minute gift idea!
Just got my invitation to Lady Gaga’s wedding reception. I can choose between beef or chicken. Not for the meal, that’s the dress code.
[car dealership]
“it’s just like walking, except now you have to move your mass AND this 2,000lb vehicle.”
fred flintstone: i’ll take it!
Yeah I’m married, but get one thing straight, I do WHAT I want, WHEN I wanfdsskk THIS IS SHAUN’S WIFE, HE HAS TO GO NOW, HE SAYS GOODNIGHT.
It’s so cute when Gen Z tries to insult us millennials. We had metal slides and lawn darts, you can’t touch us
NEIGHBOR: What’s up?
ME {stacking crates}: I’ve enough donuts to last a month
NEIGHBOR: So all ready for the hurricane?
ME: The what now?
Dr. House would’ve solved this covid shit in 20 minutes flat.
“How do you feel about this combination of paint?”
“Well, mixed emulsions really”