INTERVIEWER: describe yourself with one adjective
ME: [from left side of room] pendulous
INTERVIEWER: huh?
ME: [from right side of room] you heard me
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*washing motorcycle with my shirt off
*cops show up
Cops: That guy told you to stay away from his motorcycle
i’m no stephen hawking but i think
what happens is that they cancel
each other out
Let’s be honest, you don’t ”watch” tv, you use it as a backround echo creating machine like the rest of us
Well, Lassie, maybe it’s time for Timmy to learn a hard lesson about watching where he’s going.
Ever realize the only thing stopping you from a life of crime is a good night’s sleep? Anyway, I slept well.
Smelled my finger after I took the bandaid off of it.
Don’t do that.
If experience has taught me anything, I’ve forgotten what it was.
Police officer is visiting my kid’s school.
Officer: So when things go bad, who you gonna call?
My son: *raises his hand*
Officer: Yes?
My son: Ghostbusters.
I spend a lot of time looking at new recipes for someone who regularly burns instant noodles
RIP little boat. I can’t think of a more dinghy friend, canoe?
[stunned, eyes lock, a smile exchanged, and I knew it was kismet]
*hands cash to lady
Ma’am my baby isn’t for sale.
I SAID I’LL TAKE TWO!!
The inventor of the elevator should be credited for the birth of awkward silence as well.
I think one reason babies cry on planes is because flying sucks & babies aren’t liars like you & me.
I never believed in hypnosis until I spent six straight hours staring at the bakery’s rotating pie display case.
I didn’t survive various alcohol poisoning events in the 90’s just to get taken out by a virus
“have you heard about the Nu covid variant”
“no, what’s it called?”
“the Nu variant”
“yeah what’s it called”
“no, it’s literally spelled N U, Nu”
“haha wow, who named it that?”
“yes”
I paid a mime good money for a box and now I can’t find it.
movie idea: Dracula, but he’s allergic to blood, so he gets diarrhea a lot (movie loosely based on my relationship with dairy)
squirrels pondering the nature of why they end up on the wire they just jumped from a moment ago
[coworker starts talking to me at my cubicle]
Welp, nice chatting. This is my stop.
[puts in earbuds]
“I trust my boyfriend, I would never go thru his phone”
-girls who can’t figure out boyfriend’s passwords
*nervous sweating* I’m going to go to the bathroom, did you want anything?
(Me tryna flirt)
That split second of panic when you realize you said yes to your toddler but you were distracted and you don’t actually know what you said yes to
My wife is in a Facebook group called Buy Nothing where people list stuff they’re giving away.
The other day, a lady came to our house to pick up two granola bars that we didn’t like
triscuits are the perfect snack for anyone who has ever wanted to eat wicker furniture
Kids will say anything to procrastinate sleep. Tonight my 3yo called me into his room to tell me that he “bit his teeth.” Ok… well, now bite them with your eyes closed.
What idiot called it “salad” and not “la sad”
When I track packages I ordered, I don’t use the number. I use footprints, broken leaves, and the smell of blood.
Can we stop calling it ‘Breaking news’ and start calling it ‘bloody hell what now’